salience

I have been struck by beauty in the oddest places lately. Last night I had quite a dream: I was with my cousins at my great grandmother's (bisabuela's) house, near Victoria, Texas. We were all just doing what kids normally do at a ranch: finding ways to entertain, to pass time. In this dream we were all sitting out on the back porch, soaking up sun, and playing with the huge cats bisabuela kept to eat the rats. The twins and my cousin Michael had all wandered off past the fence, near the pasture. I followed them with my eyes, not paying attention to what Cynthia had been explaining to me. I became scared because I couldn't see the twins and Michael, my babies, over the hill. I stood up and called to them, but there was no answer. I called again, and there was a faint yell for me. I started to run, for what seemed like ages, and jumped the chicken wire fence. I slightly scraped my shin, having leaped the fence methodically, not even realizing what I was doing. I got to the edge of the pasture and I saw the twins and Michael frozen in terror: before them was a person. It almost looked like me from a distance, but I was sure my eyes were just playing a trick on me. I ran to my babies, confused. I couldn't tell if they weren't moving because they were hurt, or what. I got to them, and dragged them away from the figure. Pushing myself in front of them, I broke their gaze with the intruder. As if released from a trance, all three went screaming to the fence, calling for my brother, my dad, my uncle, anyone. I looked at this thing and was shocked to see it really was me, it was like looking in a mirror. Yet, the longer I looked, the less clear my face became, like it was deterioriating, decaying. Suddenly, I understood. This was just like our tias use to tell us when we were little: if you were weak, and didn't believe with all of your heart in God, he would weep for you. His tears would reach the Devil, and greedy with lust, he would come after your soul. According to the tias, it only took one soul for him to be satisfied: he would release your soul from your body, leaving you with the spirits to roam the earth in purgatory, and then use your body to work whatever evil he had in mind. Damn, I thought to myself, looks like I'm the one this time. Now, all I could make out was it's, I mean my, mouth, and instinctively I started to recite the Our Father. Only....wait! The figure--I mean me, I mean it--was reciting along with me. It became a test: did I believe? Was I weak? I felt the Comanche wicca I had been taught come out, I felt the surge of an opening between the realm of the living and the dead, the devil had come for someone. He needed another soul, he needed an empty body he could fill to fulfill his purpose. It was open, I was so close to death, my soul burned. Pain, it was such intense pain. I began to cry--my body could come up with no other response to the remorse I felt and the relief that is was me being taken and not one or three of my babies. We were reciting faster and faster, the world around me began to blur, I could feel myself being torn from my body. Yet, right when I was sure I was going to die, I felt my mouth form the words of the Hail Mary. The figure's mouth sneered and stumbled: he could not keep up. The mouth sneered again, and slowly disappeared. Right before the figure vanished entirely, I made out a pair of cold, bottomless eyes. And just like that he was gone.

My faith surprises me sometimes. I don't know why, but I am removed from myself, and for such an extended period of time, that I lose touch: with what I believe in, with what holds me together. I explained it to my dad, and he said he has dreams like mine all of the time. I was afraid to ask him if it was anything like encounters I've had before, and he assured me not to worry. He thinks it's a sign that my abuela will be healing soon. I hope so. Oh I do hope so.

Personally, I think it's my soul letting me know I am okay now. I am free to make something of my life. He is giving me the thumbs up to go on and live. Hehehe, okay, I'm a nerd. Go ahead, admit it, you know I am. But you know what? I'm still smiling. :)