salience

I've been going through my cds, listening to a little bit of everything, basking in the joy of music.

I came across Tonic's "Soldier's Daughter" and it cut me deeply all over again. I adore this song. I really do. Especially the water and poison lyrics: it just moves me to no end.

"It's the way he looks at you
That says to me
This isn't over
From the outside looking in
You see there's nothing sacred here
Nothing sacred
You can bend
But you can't break
For the reasons out of our control
You try to make it roll
Like a dice away
But you say that you're all empowered here
This is obviously not clear enough
To me
You can bend
But you can't break
Hey little girl keep dancing
Hey little girl keep dancing alone
'Cause there's not enough time in your day
To keep you here
The soldier's daughter
Did your daddy
Did your daddy hurt you
Did he make you feel bad
Did he poison your views
With the water he was raised on
Oh your father's son says hang on
Hang on
Hey little girl
Keep dancing
Hey little girl
Keep dancing alone
'Cause there's not enough time in your life
To stay here
So over the hills he'd climb
Just to see her there in time
Just to watch the sun shine through her dress
The sweet soldier's daughter
The sweet soldier's daughter "

I'm lovin' Glenn Lewis right now! :-D


"With change come responsibility
Don't forget where you are
Ain't where you been
Life's lessons then
Made you into woman..."

Once again, MSG Carter is my hero.

Know how one can be tired? And not just tired, but tired of being tired? I think it's the human condition. We aren't robots and sometimes we just get worn out. Plain and simple.

That's how I was feeling today. But then I remembered my family was coming into town.

And that made things better, because they bring out my true color. A chameleon always feels more connected to her surroundings when in her true state.

But then things got even better. As if stating the obvious, he goes, "We're great, you know that, right?"

All I can do is nod, and sigh...because even if I can't describe my exact shade to him, he still paints with my hue.

I just got back from my MS II class (MS: military science).

I am always in a great mood after this class. I think it's a combination of a great facilitator and great people. There is a total of ten people in it and we always have a good time. I'm the only one who started late, so at first it was kinda awkward. The other nine were together all throughout classes, pt, and ftx's last year and have already bonded and what not. But they are so accepting. I'm included in everything, and I already feel like part of the family.

At the end of the day, I keep coming back to the realization that AFROTC is nothing like SROTC. I honestly didn't think there were going to be too many differences. I am not sure if it was just my particular detachment at BU (DET 355 if anyone is interested) or what, but it is like night and day. Although, I did know our group at BC would be different because it is so small. There are only 39 of us. At BU there was a total of 97 last year and it is so hard to get close to that many people. This may be a biased statement, and I am not trying to make any generalizations (ahem! Michelle's friend!), but I think the type of people in SROTC are completely different from those in AFROTC. Which makes sense; the organizations are complete polar opposites, training cadets to do completely different missions.

What I like too is my doing SROTC has brought my dad and I closer. I will vent one amazing experience to him after another and he will tell me stories. I love hearing stories...they tell so much about a person. Plus, I get insight on how my dad was when we was 19. There are only two types of people in SROTC and now I can look at my peers and point out which one is like my dad. It's fun. :) And so very satisfying.

I have countless memories of 'doing' pt with my dad, trying my best to do situps with him, or pushups, or even riding my bike behind him as he ran his 6 miles every day during crunch APFT time. I respect(ed) him so much, and now to be doing what he did is astounding. He and I talked about me going to Airborne school after Advanced Camp and even how he wants to pin my bars on when I get commissioned as a second lieutenant in two and a half years.

I like the security I have found.

I like the tradition I am continuing.

Where to start...

Hmm...

Well, this past Friday I went with a bunch of band nerds to go see Carmen down on Boston Common. Boston Common is in the heart of the city: this huge park which is right next to gardens and such. It is beautiful. It took us a bit to get down there because this was an event the entire city was psyched for! As soon as we got out of the T station, we could all hear the opera. 'Course we were late, but we hadn't missed much. What was astounding was we got to the edge of the park and we could see nothing but people. The whole park was covered in opera goers! It was amazing! We weaved our way through the crowds til we were close to the front of the stage, but off to the left. They had set up huge screens for everyone to see and speakers. It was also translated into English and the dialogue was put up on the screen. Steph had brought this huge blanket and we claimed our space and just enjoyed the opera. During intermission the emcee came on stage and said about 16, 000 people had turned out to see the production, but in total, including people who were listening on the streets, they estimated about 60, 000 people were taking in the show. How amazing is that? It was such a great experience! As Michelle said, this is one of the reasons I came to school up in Boston: to take in the culture, to be a college student and experience everything. I will never forget sitting there and singing along to the parts we played in our show with everyone else; Andrew singing his bass part and doing his 'mouth thing.' Or my band son from Seattle just learning about the phrase 'just joshin' with ya' and completely flipping out! Or Steph's roomate talking about seeing Hercules the MUSEical on a cruise she went on! What a great night!

On Saturday I was down at the Plex (our gym) at 5:30 in the morning to meet Laura (my squad leader) to get our LCEs (Load Carrying Equipment) ready to go paintballing. I was so tired and just exhausted and nervous. I had no idea what to expect. All of the MS Is and IIs had heard rumors about the IVs freezing their pellets and plotting to kill us all! Of course, it was the complete opposite! It was an hour drive to Camp Devins and we all just talked and sang along to the R&B station the whole way up there. We got into our squads and practiced field movements and then we went in. WHAT A GREAT EXPERIENCE! Our squad did really well! Only one of us, Collins, was killed. I only got shot twice, which both left me with welts the size of quarters. Afterwards we had classes about field survival and even a camo paint class! An initiation of sorts. We all had our faces painted by upper classmen and had our pictures taken. It was so crazy! We were back on campus by 2 and it was great scaring all of 'the regulars' as the cadre call them: we all had green faces and red paint all over our BDUs. I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

The rest of the weeked was really laid back. I was just trying to recover! :)

Things are going so well right now. I am happy. Truly happy. I just wish I could put into words how fulfilling my life has become. Things are falling into place. The life I have always wanted is happening.

so much to post, so little drive to explain...

And then there is this one:

"In the Arms of Sleep"

Sleep will not come to this tired body now
Peace will not come to this lonely heart
There are some things I'll live without
But I want you to know that I need you right now
I need you tonite
I steal a kiss from her sleeping shadow moves
Cause I'll always miss her wherever she goes
And I'll always need her more than she could ever need me
I need someone to ease my mind
But sometimes a someone is hard to find
And I'll do anything to keep her here tonite
And I'll say anything to make her feel alright
And I'll be anything to keep her here tonite
Cause I want you to stay, with me
I need you tonite
She comes to me like an angel out of time
As I play the part of a saint on my knees
There are some things I'll live without
But I want you to know that I need you right now
Suffer my desire
Suffer my desire
Suffer my desire for you

I am feeling particularly inspired by the Smashing Pumpkins:

From the first moment I heard this song, some two and a half years ago, I thought of you.

"Perfect"

I know we're just like old friends
We just can't pretend
That lovers make amends
We are reasons so unreal
We can't help but feel that something has been lost
But please you know you're just like me
Next time I promise we'll be
Perfect
Perfect
Perfect strangers down the line
Lovers out of time
Memories unwind
So far I still know who you are
But now I wonder who I was
Angel, you know it's not the end
We'll always be good friends
The letters have been sent on
So please, you always were so free
You'll see, I promise we'll be
Perfect
Perfect strangers when we meet
Strangers on the street
Lovers while we meet
Perfect
You know this has to be
We always were so free
We promised that we'd be
Perfect

The sprinklers are on outside my window.

I've been waiting for the sun to rise for almost an hour now. The cobalt is just fading to teal which is almost thinking about turning turqouise.

These are the times when I wish I had stuck with my enthusiasm for being creative.

I am reminded of when I first discovered pastels; man! nothing could stop me.

And that is how I feel this morning.

It's going to be one of those days where I can walk down the crowded street and weave my way through all of the monotony.

Watch out.

My dad is wonderful! I checked my voicemail earlier tonight and he had called this afternoon. His message consists of him moo-ing to me (yes, my nickname in the family is Moosie, and it is pronounced with a moo and then a -sie), and after about a minute of moo-ing he goes, "love dad" and hangs up.

Yes, I am grinning.

He is quite a hardass and I even venture to say an asshole, to some. But there is no doubt in my mind that he loves me.

There is a fine line between complete honesty with the one you love and hurting him.

I've scared you. With a darker side I hide.

Is it any surprise then, why I love laughing? Life is not all roses, and as much as I would like to change, I know I never will. If I did, I wouldn't be me. I would be farther from myself.

This is me. The real me.

Should I regret being so honest?

I am gripping the phone so hard that my arm is going numb.

...there is emotion.

I feel so down right now.

Part of me wants to run out of my building screaming, just to see who would turn her head as I passed.
Part of me wants to cry.
Part of me wants to watch myself bleed, anger freeing itself from my body through my blood.

Each time I breathe I find myself questioning whether or not I am going to inhale again, as if I could take an involuntary function of my body and make it voluntary.

I am finding it harder and harder to convince myself to inhale.

I was coming up the stairs just now from the laundry room in the basement. As I passed the windows I heard rain... and I smiled. As I continued up the stairs I realized it must be the sprinklers, because it was only 'raining' near one set of windows.

Damn! I really want to listen to the rain!

That's it! I'm taking a shower!

I found out my family is coming up for Parents' Weekend along with the Boones!!! :)

The Boones are my parents best friends basically. My dad met Mr. Boone when he was transferred to Ft. Mac. Both of them ended up working in the same contracting office for J.M. Waller, after they retired, and before they decided to start their own business, Executive Review Inc., or ERI.

The Boones are hilarious and just overall great people.

I feel so lucky to have such a close family.

Every family faces challenges, and has their problems, but family is the only stability in life.

I am just now realizing how much I love them, and how I would give my life for each one of them.

It's all very humbling.

Yesterday Michelle and I were watching A Wedding Story on TLC.

It's funny because I watch the show to see all of the colors and the decisions the families make about the presentation of the wedding. Michelle watches it as another fairy tale to aspire to.

I like the differences between Michelle and I. I think it'll make both of us stronger people.

I saw Sascha for the first time in months yesterday morning. Luckily, I saw her first, and was able to speak first, putting me in control of the incredibly awkward situation.

It surprised me to see her walking up the aisle of Devlin 08, walking right towards me, once again too close for comfort, and all the memories of last year flooded my mind.

She is the embodiement of everything wrong with this world.

Once again, so many thoughts...

I know I made you nervous last night.
I didn't intend to pull the rug out from under you.

But you need to understand that I want you with me...when...when things start to happen.

I have a plan.
And I know it will work because I will make it work.

Yes you, my cachorro, are a big part of it.
Because I can't do all of this alone.
I need you to be the light at the end of my tunnel.

All I know is I wake up each morning eager to learn something else about you. Something else that I know will make me fall even harder for you.

You have silenced me to amazement with your existence.

And you have blended the seam between dreaming and consciousness:

I intend never to see it again.

My familia.

I am constantly amazed by them.

I have chosen to separate myself from them for more or less eight months out of every year for the sake of my education. It was torture last year, because I had to get used to tolerating a complete bitch in my personal space. What a challenge. Gone was the tight circle of blood that had served as a haven for me for eighteen years.

This year, things are better because I am not rooming with someone I completely detest. Michelle is quite the opposite and it makes all the difference.

Nevertheless, I do miss my familia immensely.

We started a routine last year of me calling them once a week, my mom being the exception for I am to call her twice a week.

So every Sunday night around 9:30 I dial up Alpharetta.

Last year it was hard for the guys, meaning Lorenzo and the twins, to relay their entire lives to me over the phone. I wanted to hear about every detail of every minute of their week, and they just weren't used to it. This year though, things run more smoothly and I can't get them to stop talking.

I love it!

I am truly myself when I am in contact with my familia. And that is as it should be.

I feel so full of epiphanies that it is hard for me to think clearly.

As I walked down my hall this morning, I was greeted by a throng of girls just heading to bed. Keep in mind that this was at 5:45 on a Monday morning, which means these poor representations of the female gender had been partying on a Sunday night...

A. Sunday. Night. Heathens. :-D

All through PT this morning, our nice run down Comm Ave, I kept thinking about what a fantastic experience ROTC really is. I have found the branch that suits me and I have delved into it with full force. It is a third family and I feel honored to be participating in this leadership program. There are so many reasons not to join, why it is too hard: there is the physical aspect, pushing your tangible constraints so hard that it feels like one's blood is the only thing keeping her together; the mental aspect, cadre and cadet officers refusing to accept anything but perfection; the fatigue, how all cadets learn that eating and sleeping are luxuries that should not be taken lightly; the commitment after school, serving in the military for five years active duty with the option of going reserve for the last three.

But honestly, this laundry list is a crock of shit.

And I mean that. There is no sufficient reason for not joining ROTC: I do feel that everyone should experience what it feels like to be disciplined enough to put one's homeland first.

Any excuse a person can give me for not taking advantage of this program is too selfish to be a citizen of this country.

Okay. Those were harsh words, I will admit. However, I feel no guilt or remorse for having said what I am thinking.

At 7:36 this morning I was walking back to my dorm with some other cadets, and I remembered what my dad had told me when I explained how I wanted to follow in his footsteps and join Army ROTC. First he grinned with pride, a look I will never forget, and with tears in his eyes he told me, "Just remember, the protected will never understand the sacrifices the soldier endures." At the time, all I could do was just nod and ponder.

But now I see the long road of sacrifice ahead of me.

So many things are going through my mind right now.

I don't even know where to start...

The rotc bar b que was a nice time yesterday. It is fun being a part of another group at BC. Although I have only done so for the past week, I am excited to see how things progress in the following weeks.

After being at the O'Connell house for two hours yesterday afternoon, I decided to sleep. I hadn't slept at all for about...36 hours and all of a sudden the fatigue hit me. I had set my alarm for 8pm, so I could be up in time to see 'My MAN Steve RoNAN' (lol, sax joke) and Dave Faleris play at The Perch. I saw them last year and Steve is great at jazz. His finale is he picks up a tenor and an alto and plays a duet all by himself.

So I wake up and it's 11pm. The only reason I woke up in the first place was because my phone was ringing. Course, it took four rings of my new phone that I don't even recognize yet to realize my phone was ringing. Then it took me another two rings to decide if I was going to answer it. Only, when I did, the person had already hung up. To make me more miffed, the person didn't leave a message...and I hate that. Argh!

Two seconds later Michelle walks in to tell me all about The Perch show, which was neat. It sounds like they did a lot of the same stuff they did last year, so I don't think I missed too much. I stayed up for a whole two hours before deciding to go back to sleep (enough time to see Everybody Loves Raymond and Spin City). I slept until 11am...and now I am all stiff from not moving for so long. But it's a good kind of stiff. :) I woke up thinking that I like living here at BC. Last year was rough because I was coping with a bunch of things, and Sascha didn't make my life any easier. This year, everything is falling into place and Michelle and I always have a great time. Plus, I got my stuff from storage (and I didn't have to pay a damn thing!!! hahahaha! I love it when things go my way!), so my side of the room actually feels like home.

We are playing Stanford today. Hopefully we won't suck, cause I think that'll jinx us for the rest of the season. ::sigh:: I suppose we'll see. Right now it's waffle time! Right Michelle? Waffle waffle waffle waffle! :)

Well.. our first PFT, or pppffffttt, went alright. Everyone was way nervous, but that was to be expected.

It seems like the last half of this week has spread over an eternity. Yesterday morning CAPT Tashiro drove us over to Northeastern to go through uniform issue. He had told us that it would only take about two hours. Well (of course!) that time was based soley on wishful thinking. Four hours and two group naps later, we were all still waiting to get through the line. As a result, I missed both of my classes.

It seems like everyone else has started classes except for me. I think it's cause I've only been to a total of three this entire week. I am hoping that these crazy ROTC Nazi cirumstances will end soon, and I can start a somewhat normal schedule.

I am really liking Army ROTC. It is absolutely nothing like AFROTC and I am very happy about that. The entire attitude is different, no matter what the subject: from PT to customs and courtesies, there is more of a family atmosphere. Plus I absolutely adore MSG Carter, who is one of our two BC Cadre! He is awesome! He led our "PT" session this morning which turned out to be more of an orientation. I think he likes me, which is a good thing. He is definitely a hardass, but in such a good way: he has been a drill seargent, which is an enlisted honor, only the top 10% of enlisted are approached about positions. He doesn't put up with shit, and will give you an attitude he is proud of before you can blink. He is also quick to make jokes, but if one isn't awake, it is very easy to miss them. His inflection only changes when he gives commands, so many of the MSI's are still not sure of what to think about him. (NOTE: MSI stands for Military Science I, meaning a freshman. I am an MSII.)

Speaking of sleep, I am actually not as tired as I thought I would be. This morning, I decided to just stay up, and learn more about a cachorrito I adore. I definitely do not regret my decision. ;)

Oh! And storage is coming today at 11 to deliver my stuff! FINALLY! I can't wait. It's been almost three weeks since I've been able to watch Trading Spaces!

Time to get to my Naturalmente class. !Me encanta la lengua espanola!

So I'm gettin ready to go to my first APFT (read: Army Personal Fitness Test).

It would be an understatement to say I am nervous.

I know I can do everything, I just psych myself out with the what-if's.

Enough. No more thinking. Time to turn the brain off.

Update:

Michelle got my phone to work!!!!!!!!! YAY! :)

Fleeting thoughts:

1. Will someone please tell me where the hell my right contact is? I dropped it this morning trying to put it in and now I can't find it....
2. I need to buy stamps. Definitely.
3. BCMB clothes are stinking up my backpack from Saturday. Eeeewww, I might want to take care of that.
4. After many hours of messing with, talking to, and finally pleading with, my phone still doesn't work..... DAH!!!!!!!!!! times 4 million times infinity squared.

There's something about staying up on the phone until all hours of the morning.

A sort of energy that lasts all throughout the next day.

It's like time doesn't mean as much as it normally does: the hours don't pass by so slowly.

There's something oddly familiar in a true friend. It's a separate state of being all together: both people are deeply affected by what each has found in the other. There can be no returning to the pre-friend state. One has grown too much under the unspoken encouragement of the other to repeat her mistakes.

The connection between soulmates perpetuates euphoria.

Soulmates turned lovers initiate the sublime.