salience

Today has been one of those days, one of those good days. :)

For the past week or so, I haven't been feeling especially attractive. I don't know what it is, I have these drastic mood swings: one morning, I am content to apply my make up because I know it enhances the features I'm proud to have. Then there are those mornings when I feel terrible, and makeup seems like it will only scream "Hey look!!" to the face I don't want to be mine.

Well, today was one of the latter days. To make things worse, my second scholarship audition was planned for this afternoon and I had tons of Spanish to get done and Matt Caminiti never showed up with the bOp! tickets he promised, so....yeah. Yuck.

Two pm rolled around and I headed down to the band room in Conte to warm up and relax before the audition. I am always mad nervous, and I think things like, "What the hell am I doing? I can't play this instrument...." even when I know I can. To make me even more nervous I borrowed Katie's instrument (an awesome senior who has helped me out so much) because my mom's buffet committed suicide last week: yep, the octave key spring bailed on me and it's currently being held together with gum wrappers and two strategically placed rubber bands. Terrible.

I warmed up and played through a few of the pieces from concert band. I am so excited, it's all really technical and amazing, a spectacular, intense program--we are the featured group the Saturday night of the Arts Festival in April. Fun stuff! I slowly gained my confidence back, my fingertips remembering where they belong and my mind calming into a meditative blank stare. The band room was completely empty: there was only me, with my metal chair and generic music stand, allowing my sound to reverberate through the open space. It was so serene, so fulfilling.

Time passed quicky and I was soon called into Seb's office, by Sara Hathaway yelling "Watch out! Maria Suarez from Georgia has arrived!!". :) Seb is such a nice guy, he puts me at ease whenever I talk to him. I played my Schubert excerpt, forgetting completely that this was an audition. Instead I remembered the countless nights in Alexander's basement, and the many hours of playing pieces for my mom's eager ears. Before I knew it, I had reached my final note, leaving silence. Seb took two seconds to write his notes down and then asked me to sit down. Before I could say anything, he rushed to compliment me, a completely foreign circumstance. He is usually overly critical, tough love I guess you could say. But after our little talk, my suspicions were confirmed: despite the little music program at BC, I am making progress. Yes!! :)

I came back to the room to Michelle sorting laundry (she's heading to Ireland with the BC Chorale tomorrow afternoon) and Kirsten in her chair, amused. Instantly, I was overwhelmed with peace. This year is so much better than last year. I am so lucky to be surrounded by such awesome people. :)

To make things even better, Kirsten, Michelle and I made a trip to CVS--and guess what I finally found?!?! Something I had been waiting for, for 6 months from our CVS: COLORING BOOKS! Ha! So I bought a huge one, for 99 cents no less! Oh, bliss!

Plus, I just got back from the language lab, so the majority of my spanish work is behind me, thank goodness.

And: I will be home in 48 hours! :)

So, after getting back from concert band tonight I was checking away messages, like most of us cool BC girls do! :-D And, guess what I saw?!?!

Karrie had posted:


Maria: con-chair-toe....
CON-chair-toe...
con-CHAIR-toe...
con-chair-TOE...
concert-o?
CONCERT! ohhh....

Hehe. I really miss my high school clarinet girls. :)

I love the way soft, delicate rain apologizes for veiling the sun.

What would you say if I told you I am content? No, not happy. Not dizzy with giddiness. This is no fleeting emotion: it's a state of mind.

I've had a separate existence here at BC for quite some time now: friends, professors, experiences unique to this school. And I've constanly struggled to bridge the gap between this world and what is dear to me in Alpharetta. Now I am learning there is no need to build anything: I am the bridge.

A week ago I was down. Valentine's Day was really rough for me last year, being away from all of the loves in my life. It would be an understatement to say I was not looking forward to last Friday. Michelle was trying to console me, saying I was lucky to have loves to miss.

But--I still did not want to get out of bed that morning.

The day was normal, with the occassional Valentine card here and there. Michelle and I watched our afternoon of TLC, I did some laundry, and she picked up the room a little. With strong resolve, she started to sort laundry. Anyone who knows Michelle, understands her doing laundry is an event. After organizing her colors, she said she was going to the basement to check for an open washer. Out she went and I was left with TLC, AIM conversations, and a heavy heart.

I remember cursing IE, 'cause my computer is constantly plotting my demise, when I heard the code being punched and the door opening. I didn't look up--just continued with my computer musings. I heard this familiar voice say, "Hey." Except, it wasn't Michelle. I looked up, and standing in my doorway was Logan!

I couldn't breathe, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

I sat in shock for a few moments, then lept out of my chair, and burst into the hallway screaming.

Once I calmed down, he told me he had been plotting with Michelle to surprise me for Valentine's Day for some time. I was so happy, and so thrilled. I like to think it's hard to surprise me, and I had no clue!

It still fascinates me, the entire ordeal. From him plotting, to the candy he brought Michelle, to the breath-taking necklace and cuddly dog he gave me, to us going on Michelle's blind date with her, to my concert at NEU, to the blizzard, to playing in the snow with him, to waking up to having his arms around me, to him staying twice as long as he intended due to the airport shutting down.

And now, here I am. Logan is back in Alpharetta. I am left with so many memories, so many more reasons to love him.

It is hard to put into words the elation of a lover's handwriting, fingerprints, and cologne remaining after he has left.

Content.

So that happened.

As she sits at her desk, typing up a lab report:

Michelle: I love how George of the Jungle is stuck in my head.

Yay for snowstorms and extended surprise visits.

Man, the reality has just hit me: tomorrow is the much dreaded Valentine's Day. Part of me wants to dress nicely tomorrow morning, to console myself for a day in February I desperately do not want to care about. Every girl can say it means nothing to her, but it does. Oh, it does.

We are programmed to look forward to this day as soon as we turn the page of the wall calendar from January to February. You see, we remember all of those February 14ths from long ago: when our daddies would wake us up before they went to work with chocolate roses and little "You are my special baby girl" cards. Things would get even better when our mommas would hand us a lunch she made, even if it was the only lunch she would make all year, and there would be a note inside, written in red ink: "Happy Valentine's Day, honey." And then in class, we would all hand out the required, preforated, Valentine's Day greetings to our peers, and eat heart shaped cookies.

And for one day, during the bleak winter, our lives were full of vivid color and eager smiles.

Last night, after discovering our music server was back up, Michelle and I started our surreal, fiendish downloading. "Sweet Child of Mine" had finally finished in my account, and I turned to Michelle:

Me: You've heard this song right?
Her: No....(obviously distracted)
Me: Well, that's--

(And out of NOWHERE:)

Her: We're PESCADO CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is all this Dead AIM business?

Yeah, so the music I was talking about earlier--the immersion of self in sound--yeah:
I just found another song I can't live without.

One of those gems,
thanks to Taylor Gray,
that reminds me why I love music so much. :)

You know what's fun? Finding music which satiates the veins every time you listen to it.
What's better than that you may ask?

Simple.

Finding an artist who's voice reminds you of how you feel when you sing along to a favorite song, when you're alone in the car--you know what I mean--with the volume turned all the way up. Yeah, that's right: very similar to dancing around your room to the same song once you get out of the car, 'cause it's that fun. :)

I never get tired of watching it snow.

Yay for sunshine, orange juice and random how-is-everything-going emails from high school assisstant band directors.

There are things which make me happy, things that make me stop whatever I'm doing to enjoy the moment, things that leave a smile on my face.

1. Michelle. She is a great roommate. After getting in from our adventures at the Avalon late Thursday night, she goes:

"My head is going...
Boom boom boom...

I want you in my room...

And I'm like,
'No head, it's time to go to bed.'

2. Watching heavy snow fall. Early this morning, God smiled on Chestnut Hill. I got to see it, all while listening to Philip Glass' Solo Piano ...it elevated my soul. It elevated my soul indeed.

3. My mom. She is my best friend, honestly. :)

4. Logan. Even though I can get so upset with him at times, there is always a rainbow after the storm.