salience

.you can see the thunder and hear the lightning
.!now! you're awake
.but, this sweat makes it hard to tell
.you've been crying in your sleep
.the humidity has turned your makeup into
....a plaster mask thanks to those tears
.with just a few more minutes in this heat
....you'll be able to release your face from
....the mold you applied all those hours ago
.who you were today lying a generic
....cavernous and blank on sticky sheets
.you get up and watch the dark fall
.even with those sharp lightning pushes
....the thunder could shatter the shadows
.you wouldn't want to miss it
.and awake numb ignoring is always
....better than vulnerable unconscious
.you cant shield yourself when emotions leak free

A response to the concierto anoche, por un email, si quieres:

From: Maria
Subject: Warning, warning!! Prince reaction!!
Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 10:42:03 -0400

THE CONCERT WAS SO GREAT!! AMAZING!!

He didn't come on stage til about 8:45, no opening act or anything, just anticipation. The stadium was packed and when the lights went out, they played Alicia Key's intro of him into the Hall of Fame and people were going crazy.

The stage was simple, divided into four parts by a raised catwalk for them to do features and solos, otherwise each instrument had their own space in a corner. Everything was red, purple or orange. So great!! And of course, Prince, man plastic and botox, what wonders. :) What's even funnier was he joked about how "everyone changes, but I still look the same" all throughout the show.

I can't even tell you how great the concert was!! Alex had only bought one ticket cause it was impossible to get tickets together at Ticketmaster when he bought them (Prince had originally planned to do only two shows in Boston, but they both sold out so quickly that they added a third--Tuesday night was the first show). I bought another ticket (w00t!! free musicology cd with every ticket!!), way across the Fleetcenter just cause I didn't want to go to a concert by myself, way too many sketchy people for sure, of all ages. (I asked Alex to go with me, just cause I thought he might change his mind if he saw Prince live, but alas...) Both tickets were in the balcony, but we were gonna try and sit together.

We got to the center at 7:30, literally inhaled McDonalds (since I basically got Alex after work and we left for the show) and then found my seat. Luckily, the people next to us just assumed we had tickets for both seats and moved down a seat, so it wasn't our problem anymore. :)

The first set was all older funk from late eighties, his band (New Power Generation, which was formed for this past album Musicology and for the tour--first tour in six years, yes--also the first time Prince let his band write their own solos) was so tight. They were great, the music was so clean and energetic.

After a 45 minute set, the band left the stage dark and there was a cool, retro modern solo, very pink floydish by the keyboardist and then "What a Wonderful World" cover by the trombone guy. Then Prince came on stage for a solo, acoustic set. Covers and acoustic versions of his songs. His voice is so amazing, his range and how he manipulates those vocal chords. And his guitar playing, he wails and his musicality is just: perfect.

After that he lead into the next set with an acoustic "Little Red Corvette" and the lights came back on and the band was back. He did all of his early 80s stuff and he literally had the entire stadium jumping with him and singing to him. For the next hour it was just straight funk and even a booty shake by the guitar guy from a random cue to Beyonce's "Crazy in Love."

Everyone was saying how it was the best show they've ever seen. Prince was always making sly comments about radio air play, mtv, and lip synching. Everything he couldn't say all those years ago. And for being rumoured as such a shy guy, he was so outgoing and comforting in front of the stadium. (It is his job, but...) You literally felt like he was just singing to you, people were in trances and just captivated--including me, of course. (Reminded me of my Bono experience at the U2 concert in Providence, yes.)

He left the stage with everyone was still dancing (the kids down front got to even go on stage and just dance for twenty minutes of the set; the girl next to us, her sister was up there--she was freaking out!!), and people started chanting for him to come back. For fifteen minutes. By this time everyone was off the stage and everything was dark, and then this purple light shined down on stage and everyone knew what was coming and started chanting "Purple Rain, Purple Rain."

And then, of course, he came out and played it. My favorite song. Along with everyone else's. :)

But he didn't sing it, it was just the stadium screaming all the words, even his voice throws. He just played with his band. The solo was so great, his moving all around the solo we've memorized from our recordings. And when he finished, he was all, "no, we can't leave it like that ya'll" and came back and sang it for everyone. Great. I still hear it in my head, it was so good. I can't even explain it.

And then it was over, and everyone was buzzing. Alex even admitted that it was "a great show" even though he still doesn't have an affinity for him. :)

His performing just reinforces everything I love about music, you know?? His musicality is contagious, and that's what music is about. What it means to you and sharing it. I always forget how numbed I am by commercial radio and tv until I'm reminded (or slapped in the face in the case of Prince) of what it should be like again. And everyone was having such a good time, there was no lull in the entire thing. Just straight music. Worth so much more than the $45 we paid.

And that's what I want to be, you know?? Especially with all this drum major business. I want to be calm, and confident, and I want people to know I am in control and that's why I am where I am. I want people to forget everything else and just exist where we are, where it's all about the music.

He is a genius. Sigh.

And now back to life...

My skin is darker in the summer, but it still took me by surprise. Sure, there are the recognitive glances from fellow latinos, but mostly I'm happy to pass as white as often as I do. At the same time, I deal with both sides of the ethnicity coin, so I have fewer social complications, and more freedom really.

I was at Logan for the sixth time in ten days, waiting for Alex to arrive from Vancouver. I was on the moving sidewalk, making my way from central parking to terminal B. It happened to be a wet night, so I was trying to dry out as quickly as possible, avoid the inevitable chill of thorough air conditioning, and this guy in front of me turns around and starts asking me questions about the airport, like I'm an employee.

Me: ::puzzled look:: Sir, I don't work here.
Gringo: Oh, well your (Ascend) badge says Maria, and your face looks his--
Me: ::waiting for him to finish::
Gringo:: ...so I assumed...

His voice trailed off as I realized what he was saying. Embarrassed, he quickly turned around and walked away. He left me sliding along the dark evening windows, ashamed that I was offended.

And it's funny how I always just seem to forget how I look until it's brought to my attention again by incidents like these. Although time has passed, racism is still very much alive, regardless of where you are. And it's a despicable thing that we're all guilty of in some way.

I can remember wanting to be grouped with the latinos and then not wanting to be stereotyped as well. There isn't really a niche for mixed races yet, but there is a balance I both wish people could understand and I could explain.

I thought maybe...
maybe if I tucked myself away in
the silence of their corners I'd be
able to focus as each
performs his spotlight in the
middle of this huge room.

observe, conclude, understand.

but all of this crouching
has made me stiff.
the pain's not acute.
or numbing, for that matter.
the echoes though, the
echoes are uncomfortable.

haunting.

I find myself looking
at myself, my clothes.
surprised.
where is my pristine removal??

my prestigious labcoat
full of my most favorite
pens and Important!!'s Remember!!'s.
everything is an experiment,
an idea someone else mentioned.

but now it's my experience.

time is passing quickly
but in subdued slow motion.
I don't feel alone.
but I'm isolated with what lives here.
we share this Outside.
we watch the colors streak by,
only its outlines, it's shadows registering.

self-doubt.
self-pity.
self-loathing.

I can't move past the self's lately.

too dark, it's too dark.
there's no light here.

My being a part of the "team" isn't even official yet and I'm still excited ya'll. Yes, I am a nerd. A very big nerd. But you know you want to check it out.

My eyes hear the flash, blue!! blue!! alarm.
It's 5am, I'm back home in Boston.

Funny how the details of the trip back yesterday are still fuzzy.
But it could just be post sleep, dreamy paranoia.

Shell called last night. My hilarious, would be japanese roommate is severely missed. But alas, only two more weeks until her piccolo-now-baritone arrival to band camp!! I'm really looking forward to it, especially since Flora will be joining us. She just can't help but want to be a part of the awesomeness that is the BCMB (right Kirstin??). Yay for managers and their polos.

The famous AnnaTudor has been moved into our mod.
Mod 18a, now complete as we originally intended and as it should be.

I'm ready for school to start. I have a plan, which is good, considering all of the resources I have access to thanks to my heavy, jesuit loan balance. Any other negocios folk amused by talk of Trump's executive clothing line?? Maybe a Trump skirt will help me in interviews this coming year... I can see it now: oh yeah, you're a part of a high paying, prestigious firm?? Well, this here's a convincing, confident Trump logo on my suit and if it doesn't influence you into favoring me for this job, then I don't want your company's name on my resume...

Mostly I'm focusing on the here and now. Familia situations, present and future, band, school, work--it'll all straighten itself out in time. All I can affect at this exact moment is the curve in front of me, you know?? Why stress over the miles after it??

getting back in the car this morning, as I watched you leave for adventures alaskan, I was happy. not because you were leaving, but because I was the one watching you leave. who knows?? maybe one day I will be getting on that plane with you...

From what my babies tell me, everything is stagnant at home. Rotting and tense, they want the detorioration complete and the drama ended. This truly has been a summer of discontent.

And I have no drive anymore. I was tempted to just stay outside in the pouring, new england rain this morning. At work, but not working. Just absorbing, spending time with the elements.

It's all so misleading. Ascend is great. Genius people, tactic, initiative, focus. It's no wonder this company is as successful as it is. But is this what I want to do?? Stare at a computer screen and manipulate excel and telemarket and mass mail and record?? It's all necessary, intangible assignments, but it's not work. There is no physical result, I do not leave Waltham, MA every evening with a tired body and dirty hands. I sit in an air conditioned office all day, with access to as much free, filtered water as I want. And yet, in the grand scheme of society, this position I hold, sales and marketing support, is worth more monetarily than any manual labor. A simplicity is lost when your tasks are cerebral, but a respect is gained. The work process itself is the result, the ideas and approaches are what they're paying you for.

I'm anxious for school to start (I miss all my girls!!) and yet I don't want the end to begin. I don't know what I want to do with my life next. And now's the time when you select a start and it's all I can do to just not walk away. Far, far away, and be me somewhere else.

I want to continue school, later on in the future, but I want to work first. Enough with the loans, I want to make and repay already. But where?? The spark has been new york city. My mind says, find a job "downtown," get a cheap place in the upscale, white sector of the racial rainbow that is Manhattan. Put yourself where you'll have all the opportunities to do what you've always dreamed of doing at this point in your life. Save money, spend money. Do the bohemian, cultured, out there and loving it thing. Acquire and plan.

And money is fascinating. Finance is indeed a branch of economics, and while it's unavoidable, it is not a passion. But money is thick here, and with the right goals, I can repay and set aside, while setting up what I really want to do. And so you say, well what is it you want to do??

In truth, the response is, I have no idea what the exact definitions are. But I don't want to be stuck in a cube forever. I don't want to be underneath some tired boss who's wired so tight he's almost to his breaking point. I'll watch, but I want to be across the street, or even in the neighboring zip code. I want to affect, locally. I want to be happy with who I am, who I know, and where I'm going.

I want to continue studying music. Or start, rather. I haven't taken serious lessons in almost four years, which is a long time when you've only been playing clarinet for ten years. I want to learn piano, I want to own a piano. I want to learn cello. I want to play either clarinet or cello (or both) in an orchestra(s?). I want to continue studying conducting. I want to teach. (Maybe. Math?? Spanish?? Music?? I don't want to babysit other people's spoiled children, there's a fine line...) I want to write. I want to be published. I want to learn Russian. I want to go to Russia. I want to get married. I want a family.

But to contiue my education (plan is to get masters in business before I do anything music wise, who knows where/how it could and will help me down the road), I need money. It all comes back to money. It doesn't buy happiness, nothing can ensure that. But it does provide security and stability. And that's what I need to do everything I want to do.

And maybe I'll have a Manhattan address next year. Maybe I'll still be in MA, even somewhere along the west coast. South, midwest, across the pond, who knows. And I don't want to stress over it anymore.

Preparation for phase two starts today.

Mr. Barr, my favorite, former, assistant, high school band director, who was framed (for sexual misconduct with a student) and fired, now has a picture site of his new life in Red Wing. Link is on the sidebar ya'll. Yay for moving on and not letting greedy, underhanded bigots ruin your initiative or sense of adventure.

Sand is sand, as you would guess.
The water is pollution brown, as you'd expect.
But it's the charm of the place that gets you.

Hyannis is where we (Alex and I) went this past weekend. It's included in the Barnstable area, on Cape Cod. It was my first trip to the Cape, which is silly when you think about it. It is only an hour drive away.

It can be shocking at times, really. We get so caught up in the college bubble that we forget that New England is a collection of a significant number of states, but that doesn't translate into too large of a geographical area.

The beaches are different from those in "the south." The familia only went to Gulf beaches in recent memory and then Virgina Beach in Newport News before that.

It's New England heat, so it's not hot. It was in the upper eighties, but the sun was out, and the water wasn't too cold. We made a point to avoid the college crowd, so we shared sand space with families, retirees and their calm, crocheting wives.

Everywhere is a sense of history, precedent.

We walked amidst the european accents and summer home leasees on Main Street. Even though our restaurant mistakenly called itself TexMex, the shops were quaint, friendly--doors were often kept open to the sea air.

And this verano is weird, being at the beach without the familia was weird. But it was fun. The jokes, the laughing. I didn't want to be anywhere else.

My favorite were the late afternoon moments spent walking to an alcove on the far right side of the beach, past the lifeguards and mischievous kids. There was a pier of large rocks leading out into the ocean we'd decided to climb across. Barefoot we knee-ed our way up and over the jagged edges and unstable surfaces of the first few. Hand in hand carefully placing one foot before the other, until we were at the end.

And you realize just how smooth and strong those final rocks are when you're a foot above deep atlantic water, just how much and how long they've endured. And you stand there, listening to the waves crashing at your feet, feeling the salty wind comb your hair. And you almost wish you had braved your technology into the elements, so you could capture this moment. So you could share what you two are feeling.

It's the knowledge that you left.
You left Alpharetta, GA to do this.
You wanted to push yourself, to create.
A new, unique, college collection.
And that's exactly what you're doing.
This is you now.