salience

Jengibre (Ginger),

Newest member of the familia.

It's Monday morning and work is buzzing with the entire Ascend family back in Waltham.  Friday, that day before the weekend, it seems like yesterday.  Only there were two days in between that are a blur.  The best kind of brilliant blur life is supposed to be.

About a month ago, Alex and I started talking about going to the DCI Eastern Classic.  A regional DCI competition in Allentown, PA (right next to Quakertown, just to give a reference, and yes, that is the actual name of the town, *ahem* Kirstin.  Wait, not Ahmish, never the mind.).  Five hours away is the closest DCI is coming to Boston this season, three weeks before the finals in Denver.  We decided to go, both being marching band fanatics.  Alex Clark decided to go too, as the driver and somewhat less enthused music dork.  We left Boston Saturday afternoon, making the hour and a half trek to Glastonbury, CT, Alex Clark's hometown, for some of his mother's famous taco salad.  We made it to Johnny Cake Lane after seven attempts at playing Culture Club's Karma Chameleon, fighting for the right combination of 1991 tape deck adapter position and horrendous Sponge Bob CD player placement.  I know now all the lyrics Boy George croons through that track, as well as I'll Tumble For You.  As a matter of fact I haven't been able to get the line, "Loving would be easier if your colors matched my dreams" out of my head for 39 hours straight.  But moving along, the taco salad was inhaled and we were back on the road after a fun half hour with Alex's mom, dad, brother and random brother's-acquantaince-not-friend who is staying at the Clark house because his parents chose to vacation without him.  (Also known as the kid who nervously speaks to his shoes and makes everyone else in the room uncomfortable but desperately keeps talking because he'd rather be saying something to dispell all of his eager energy so here is my entire life plan and red sox devotion in the minute span it takes to eat two forkfulls.)  The drive was scenic, even with Alex's allergies and his sneezing every 3.478 seconds.  However, after stuffing half a box of kleenex up each nostril, everything quieted down enough for some good old angsty, nineties tunes.  :)  My favorite moment of the drive down was crossing the river into NY with all of the windows down, the sun roof open, and the Verve Pipe blaring.  The warm sun, salty wind and nostalgic lyrics were such a good place to be ya'll.

We made it to Allentown just before six pm, the show started at seven.  We wandered around the park surrounding J. Birney Crum stadium, watching all of the bands warm up.  It's a very scenic place, with a lake in the middle, and brooks which run from it.  Everywhere there were ducks and RVs and drummers warming up by the shores.  There was so much excitement everywhere, families finding their loved ones tan and lean after months of drill and moving air.  Alex and Alex paced frantically amongst all of the trailers along the park road.  Kavaliers, Spirit of JSU, Magic of Orlando, Crossmen, Blue Knights, Santa Clara Vanguard, Blue Devils, Cavaliers, but where was the Madison Scouts trailer?!  Where was Luis, aka Crystal Meth boy (nickname for being his skinny, Puerto Rican self)?!  The three were old bcmb friends from freshman year, Luis now goes to Central Florida and marches center snare.  Almost an hour after the event staff said their bus would arrive, some catch in a neighboring field and a few pages of Voltaire's Candide, we found the line unloading and heading to warm ups.  There were the initial grins and nods, some regal business with Alex Clark being the old man that he is and smoking the pipe he carries, and then the individual warm up when the three finally got to be together.  Clark got so excited he shoved his pipe in his pocket still lit.

We watched the line warm up and then headed into the stadium to get to our seats.  We got to see the Crossmen (from Delawhere??, I was so surprised, such an amazing show), Madison (whoa!!  Luis started off the show with a snare solo, their drill literally stopped my heart in a few places--they milked this pinwheel so well, and literally pulled a perfect General Effect score from the hearts of the audience, Madisonic was the name of their show, dealing with sound and what you hear and how and whatnot).  THEN WE GOT TO SEE MY BLUE DEVILS, FROM CONCORD, CA, MY OBSESSION FOR THE PAST SIX YEARS, AND I SWEAR I COULD HAVE DIED HAPPY RIGHT THEN AND THERE BECAUSE OH MY GOD THEY WARMED UP ON THE FIELD AND YOU KNOW I KNEW EVERY NOTE AND DRUM PROGRESSION AND THEIR SHOW WAS SO INNOVATIVE AND COOL AND AMAZING AND MY HEART STILL FLUTTERS WHEN I THINK BACK ON IT.   It was bliss, truly.  I was spazing all over Alex and the people around me for sure.

That being said, I do believe Madison had a stronger show, it made more of an impact with the audience emotionally, although BD was more out there (the show ends with all of the winds in the end zone and just visual spanning the field) and creative, and their sound and the precision with the visuals, and and and and and...  ::sigh:: 

By this time it was after 10 and we had to head out to avoid the mass fan exodus chaos at the end of the competition.  Luckily, Alex and Alex were able to see Luis again to walk, talk, and catch up.  (Sonic wave??  That independent, indoor drumline??  Yeah, I'm the Membership Coordinator, Maria's the Visual Coordinator and Clark??  He's the Coordination Coordinator, if you can catch this baseball when he hurls it at you randomly, you're in!!)  Brief bye's and we'll talk soon's and then it was off to Wendy's for comida and then back on the road.  It was a long way back, not only distance wise but just because everyone was so tired.  There were short dances to Boy George but then all of the darkness and excitement sunk in, and really, where do the ducks go when it gets dark??  There was nodding off and Beck and random rest area stopping for energy drinks whose prime ingredient is milk thistle.  Liquid sweet tarts is more like it, yuck.  Regardless we were milk thistle sick and back in Boston around 4 am. 

Sunday was spent sleeping, getting de-car stiffed and meeting up with Flora (who was visiting from BoA in NYC) and Kelly (aka Mike).  There was Marche fun and stories and conversation on just how mean magic marker death threats are and laughing and volunteering to be bcmb managers both and yay.  Then it was off to get Flora to Chinatown to catch her bus, a great time with DNC traffic.  We made it finally after much weaving and creeping, but success was ours at last.  :)  Can't wait til band camp!!  It's going to be like all of our Mod in band!!  w00t!!  :)  The rest of the afternoon was pretty lazy, a good time to catch our breath before breaking down the Clinton party for Rafanelli.  It was some book event, complete with drunk campaign interns, cheap mirrored jewels, and a rotunda room that wrapped around the top floor of 60 State Street with a wall of windows facing out into the city.  It would be a cool place for a wedding reception actually.  But there was much fun with Alex and Alex, plus I got to meet the famous Brazilian Marcello (one of the planner guys) and Mike (not so famous planner and short) as well as this inane, ex-militant who insisted he was a professional so back off--he made loading the truck so much more pomp and circumstance work than it had to be.  He insisted Alex, Alex and I were all related and would not shut up about his cherished floral chandelier.  However, we were "the best, awesome, so great" and done before three am.

On the way home, I couldn't stop thinking about watching My So-Called Life Friday night, how I reminisced about when I was ten years younger and watched that show, hoping my life would be as dramatic and substantial as that of Angela Chase.  And I don't know if dramatic is the right adjective, but my life is definitely substantial, better than I even knew how to hope for all those years ago, you know??

I'm alone he says, because I choose to be
I shut people out, he's seen it--he's felt it
why he asks, he doesn't understand
 
it's a daily toss up, really
this demon inside, it rips me apart
so far, I've been lucky
its claws stop at my veins
 
and my mouth acts on its own
I speak without thinking, because
I'm distracted with this evil, strong
I want so much to be open, always
 
but self-preservation wins every time
see, if I let my guard down, for any length of real time,
this monster would tear itself through my throat,
making its long awaited escape from my mouth
 
and me, I'd be left behind, shamed at my deflated presence
yet even worse is admitting I need the energy I loathe

Maybe it was the bag of sunny lemons she was carrying.  Such a summer thing, lemmons.  Not just the juice in the plastic, look a like container, but a plastic, grocer's bag full of lemmons.  It made me happy, and I smiled.  One of those moments when you're glad you can see in color, it's so vibrant and joyous.  She complimented me later on my mighty girl shirt, and thanked me endlessly it seemed when she was ahead of me in line and realized she had forgotten her shaw's card.  I offered her mine, apparently there was a store discount on lemmons...
 
Regardless the entire exchange left me content.  As did the hour long conversation with el papa.  The twins are starting band stuff for Alpharetta High School, the Milton idea ends with my brother, who's already tied up with football happenings.  (A relief, in my opinion.  He still doesn't believe me when it comes to the embarrassment I have to deal with when I mention where I went to high school and what I don't know as a result--hopefully he will not have the same college transition I did.)  Turns out puppy Purdy's tumor was cancerous.  It was removed a little bit ago finally, due to divorce coordination problems and the like, which was too late apparently.  Melinda is devastated, which is to be expected, Purdita was her baby.  The decision on whether to get the puppy treatment is still up in the air, the radiation would be expensive and wouldn't prolong her life much.  The familia is leaning towards putting her to sleep.  That would make both dogs dead in one year.  Blackie of pneumonia and Purdy of cancer.  Grandma dead of leukemia and parents divorced.  What else can happen, right? 
 
This summer has been an experience.  My first on my own, dealing with a job ending and starting a new one.  Living with 9 other privileged BC kids whom I had never met previously.  It's been lonley many times.  I usually put a movie on the tv just so I have some noise in the room.  Erika, my roommate, is a live in nanny for a family on Cape Cod, so she's only here on the weekends.  I do 7-4 with Ascend, and then various other band and Rafanelli things in addition.  It's been cool being around in Boston for the summer.  Alex and I spend a lot of time together as well, which is always fun, be it at the gym, going to movies or just hanging out.  1661 is a sort of haven, what with Clark, Kevin and Tim (plus sometimes Remy) living there, from the BCness of 55 Algonquin.  I miss my STM girls, definitely.
 
The divorce issues I have are quieting down now.  It's not about picking sides, although it's easily construed that way.  No matter how many fights you have with any one person, it all comes down to a irreconcileable disagreement between your parents.  It's alienating and frustrating.  I told la mama not to call me, just because it can never just be hi, how are you doing?  And it's odd, but I'd rather be upset that we don't talk than upset because we yell.  And both say they don't want to put you in the middle, and I honestly believe that they don't.  But it can't be avoided.  Kids end up as ammunition, even when we're silent.
 
Anything can be explained to benefit or hurt someone, it's all perspective.  And we'll all be fine.  We've been solving our own problems our entire lives, it's self-sufficiency and unavalability of resources.  It's easy to deal with things on your own when you don't have the luxury of some smiling, sympathetic shrink.  You know your feelings, you know where you've been. 
 
We kids stick together cause it's all we know. 
We keep our mouths closed because our opinions only matter when they tell us. 
It's not our fight and we don't want any part of it. 
We just want it all to be over. 
Two months is long enough of an emotional hell. 
We have our own lives. 
We don't run, but we don't wait. 
We've got things to do and dreams to realize.

I'm not comfortable
I can't do anything right
I'm excited for the future
but I pray it never gets here
everywhere I feel hated, despised
mental self-disfiguration is a quiet habit
I'm disturbed, haunted by what I fear
I fear everything
certainty seems uncertain
I'm choking on the prayers that used to comfort
I'm trying to continue the trend
and they love me for what I'm doing
but they see right through me--it's true,
I'm opaque, I've never been substantial
I strive for the iridescence of illusion
my face is only light refracted back to you
I change depending on where you stand

Sixteen days, that's how long the twins have been with me in Boston. And it sounds like a long time, but in all seriousness, it has really flown by. Lorenzo is up here too, going to Harvard football camp and yankee school of dance, so we're all of us kids together. It isn't until I start going down the list of everything we've done that I realize just how much you can do in two and a half weeks time.

The girls have changed their first flat tire with me, after some massholes were throwing glass one night in front of my apartment; they've seen Spiderman 2, visited both Salem, NH (to get my tire replaced under my WalMart plan) and Salem, MA (to see the Hawthorne and witch sites) in one day; seen the RI/MA border due to the Midget's excellent orienteering efforts; spent fourth of July at BC, on Higgins stairs and in the band room, practicing on a marching snare with Alex.

They've navigated the T, and know their way around Chestnut Hill better than I do; they've also become regulars at the O'Neill SLSC and library, reading up on anything that sparks interest. We've watched countless dvds, most recently 10 Things I Hate About You, The Replacements and Amadeus. This past weekend we Fung Wah-ed it to NYC, Chinatown Boston to Chinatown Manhattan in four hours time, guaranteed, the girls' first time "downtown." We did pretty good for eight hours sightseeing time: they met Flora, who's a big shot intern at Bank of America in Manhattan, saw Chinatown, Statue of Liberty/Ellis Island, Ground Zero, Wall Street, Broadway, Times Square, Central Park... Upon hearing the noise of the NYC Subway and figuring out just how much a ride cost and where to catch it, they both agreed, "We miss the T, even if we don't live in Boston."

Last night we spent an evening with the witty guys of 1661 and company, for a "family dinner" of spaghetti, garlic bread, ice cream and cookies, complete with an old, Jung family dining room table and twelve Rafanelli candles. And I hope they've enjoyed themselves. This is my life here. I can remember wondering, what am I going to do with the guys for that much time?? Isn't two and a half weeks a stretch in a heliocentric, collegiate summer?? And now all I can think is, what am I going to do without my babies??

Have you ever watched someone who, for some reason, has trouble walking??

That's what parts of my summer are like. Don't get me wrong, most of it is stop and go, work and play. But then there are times when you realize life is struggling. And you have to wonder...

Will it ever be able to dance again??

...who in their right mind is calling me at 9:30 in the morning??

Me: Hi Aunt 'Cil.
Her: Hi m'ja.
M: How are you?
H: Good, calling to tell you I'm sending you a box today.
M: Oh really??
H: Yeah, Happy Belated Birthday. Express mail.
M: Oh thank you.
H: The twins have gifts in there as well.
M: Oh how cool!!
H: I hear you're taking the girls to New York?
M: Yeah, they have a list of things they want to do.
H: And Salem??
M: Yeah, it's Salem tomorrow.
H: Oh neat.
M: Downtown Boston for 4 July and NYC on Monday.
H: Wow. Well how fun.
M: Yeah, they're wearing me out, definitely.
H: (laughs) I can imagine.
M: No, but it's cool having them here...
H: Well I'm going to let you go--
M: Yeah I should get back to work.
H: Take care.
M: Love You, bye.