salience

Starting to clear stuff up...
I think.

We shall see what the next few days bring.
Mmhmm... indeed.

Aye... on to a completely different topic from my last post:

I was talking with my dad earlier today about school and whatnot. My uncle asked me what I wanted to do after getting my undergrad, and I surprised myself. Instead of rehashing the plan I've had for years, I said "I just hope to make it past this semester."

And I thought to myself, "Yeah, seriously. Forget two years from now, I need to get through this month."

It is hard for me to explain exactly what I am going through right now. I am somewhere in between the me of high school and the me of the future. As corny and unnecessary as it sounds, there is so much inner turmoil I am having to deal with. My uncle just smiled and said, "Well m'ja you are growing up. Just take it one day at a time."

I was talking with my cousin Cynthia, she is a year younger, about college. Sometimes I am extremely jealous of her: she lives in a completely different world. Where she is from, going to college is a privilege, not an expectation: most of her high school friends are pregnant and fighting with lousy boyfriends, y'know, deciding whether or not to have an abortion and such.

Okay, I know that sounds so weird to me, but it's just because I have grown up in a completely different realm from her. Pues, tu sabes. She decided to go to SWTU, a state school, about 45 minutes from her home in San Antonio. She chose an easy school, because really, she didn't think she was going to be able to afford college. She applied on a whim, and just happened to be accepted. I was venting all of my BC frustrations to her (y'know, the impossible CSOM classes, the spanish professor from hell, ROTC punks who can't relax), and she was amazed; she couldn't believe people took school so seriously. It's refreshing to talk to her, and to just hang out with the familia: it's a taste of what life would be like if I hadn't chosen to go so far away from home, maybe if I had gone to an easier school...one where I wouldn't have to work to have a moderate gpa, one where I wouldn't run the risk of failing out.

So yeah... I dunno, I'm just really frustrated with school right now. When I'm up at BC, I feel all this pressure I put on myself to do well: with ROTC, with band, and then school. I am always so tired from everything else that school just doesn't seem that important. And when you think about it, we really are crazy, us kids at BC. I mean, how many kids chose to go to a school like BC? Life is so less dramatic in other places. Because life is more real. We are so sheltered at BC, and maybe that is a good thing: a nice pressurized, academic bubble. I guess what it comes down to is, I'm not sure where I belong right now. I am walking the fine line: I'm too hesitant to make things easy for myself, and yet I don't want to run with the rich boys.

Ah yes, it is the day after Christmas. The familia was tickled with the presents I bought up at school, so life is good right now. I'm having a blast with the cousins in town, remembering all of the good times we've had, and creating some new ones. :) The renewal is in two days. Man, I dunno if I'm going to survive. We shall see. All I can do now is prepare for the storm.

Heehee. I am so glad to be home. So so so so so so so glad!
It's like Jennifer Lopez said,
"There's only one place you go y'know? Home."



Oh...and by the way, SamFranJuli is just fine.

I love my familia. :)

The plants?! We have to take the plants home over break? Oh that makes logistics fun!

::sigh::

The things I do for SamFranJuli!

I love my familia.

Ah, Tool. I am addicted, "but I wouldn't have it any other way."


H.

What's coming through is alive.
What's holding up is a mirror.
But what's singing songs is a snake
Looking to turn this piss to wine.

They're both totally void of hate,
But killing me just the same.

The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been.
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again.

And I feel this coming over like a storm again.
Considerately.

Venomous voice, tempts me,
Drains me, bleeds me,
Leaves me cracked and empty.
Drags me down like some sweet gravity.

The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been.
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again.

And I feel this coming over like a storm again.

I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away.
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,
And considerately killing me.

Without the skin,
Beneath the storm,
Under these tears
The walls came down.

And the snake is drowned and
As I look in his eyes,
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of those times.

I could have cried then.
I should have cried then.

And as the walls come down and
As I look in your eyes
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of the times
I have died
and will die.
It's all right.
I don't mind.

I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away.
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,

And considerately killing me.

Yay for Maid in Manhattan!
Can I just say I want to be like Jennifer Lopez?! Please?!
Hehe, only not really, folks. So don't worry. :)

I have to say, I loved Drumline. Yes, it's unnecessary in parts, but it's fun. Plus, I took the opportunity to jump in some large puddles when we were walking back to the T!!! Hehehe, I love doing that! It's always so much fun!!!! Even if it was 12:30 in the morning and 30 degrees outside. It was very fulfilling. Very fulfilling indeed. :)

After getting food tonight:
Michelle: If those bitches are still fucking screamin bad Mariah Carey Christmas carols next door, I'm gonna....

As we walked through the hallway:
(obvious, cheap, Christmas racket has consumed the hallway)
Michelle: (listens....) Aw hell no!
Me: Nuh uh! Still?!?!
(As Michelle punches in the code, she turns to next door)
Michelle: Aw it's on!! BITCH! Y'damn right!
(We get in the room and Michelle blasts Castles in the Sky.)

Hehehe. Never a dull moment in Ronc 221! :)

In honor of finals, everyone.

Sometimes, just rockin out to fun noise is all I need to remember how to smile.
Watching myself dance around the room from my chair, to see who I really am.
Remember, tomorrow I will be here, but these thoughts are fleeting.
And life, goes on: time is the cornerstone of existence.

Oh my goodness, what a plethera of emotions I am feeling right now.

I called my mom tonight, like I always do on Wednesday nights, to check up on her. We have this rather abnormal relationship: she is my mother, but we are more like friends who lean on one another for support. I tell her what I'm going through and vice versa. Wednesday nights are usually the highlight of my week, because it is a haven from normal life. Something intangible that I rely on for strenth. Well tonight, I hung up the phone feeling flattered, and scared, and just plain confused.

My mom and I had a pretty normal conversation. We talked about everything that had happened since Sunday, the other time during the week when I call, and what not. How my brother won another wrestling tournament in his weight class, how the twins are doing in school, how my dad's friends are doing, and what needs to be done before the extended familia take over the house for Christmas and the Renewal. Conversation had slowed, and we were at the normal lull before the end of a phone call, and out of nowhere my mom goes, "I want you to have my Opus with you in Boston." I swear I stopped breathing. An Opus is a prestigious performance model clarinet. My dad bought it for my mom for her 40th birthday for an ungodly amount of money. It is so nice and beautiful and lovely and tone quality is amazing on it and it has extra keys and I could go on forever. I have only played on it once. This is my mom's baby, her pride and joy, the only tangible thing she has to remind her that she was once a performace major, all those years ago. Why the hell is she going to give it to me? I am not a performace major, I'm not even majoring in music. The only musical things I do are marching band, if that can count as musical, concert band, and most likely Woodwind Ensemble. YIKES! What the hell is she thinking??

::sigh::

All I know is I have been playing on my mom's Buffet--the clarinet she used in college (it's an R9, a model that they stopped making in the 60s), for eight years now. It is my home when I play clarinet, we get along just great. Yes, it is an old instrument, and it doesn't look flashy by any means, but.... It's enough, y'know?

I have enough.

So many things I want to remember:

1. Thank you Logan, for stayin up with me. If it hadn't been for you, I don't know if I would have finished my case study so quickly. (Yes folks, I had to pull almost an all-nighter, and Logan was kind enough to stay up with me online, and then, when I was about ready to keel over from number crunching, he offered to call and make sure I was up after my early morning nap. What dedication!)

2. My last history class was yesterday, and I still can't believe what happened. At the end of the semester, we have to fill out evaluations of our professors. Well, my history professor walks in, thanks us for an entertaining semester, and starts passing out the evaluations. My class is pretty big for BC, about 120, so it was taking him a good five minutes to make it around the lecture hall. Out of nowhere he goes, "Damn this is taking forever! Oh wait! I have a great idea!" By this time he has passed out all of the evaluations and picks up this huge ziploc of golf pencils. He looks at it, and then at us, and says "You know, you guys are paying tens of thousands of dollars to go to this school, and you know what? There is a huge, freakin' debate about how important these damn pencils are! I mean, they're golf pencils for God's sake, c'mon! I mean, right? Apparently BC is paying a significant amount of money on golf pencils....how does that sit with you guys?" A collective boo of disgust erupts from the room, and to our surprise, Griggs goes, "Aw the hell with it!" and starts chucking the pencils at us. "This would just take too long if I was to walk around again, and I'm probably going to get sued, but what the hell!" He kept throwing pencils until everyone had about five and his gallon ziploc was empty. "Okay guys, do the evaluations, and I'll be back in a bit." About ten minutes later Griggs walks back in the room, and to our surprise again, he goes "Okay, now for the fun part. I am going to stand over here, in front of the chalkboard, and on my count of three you guys can chuck all of the pencils back at me." He walked from the podium to the chalk board, assumed a Jesus-on-the-cross pose and counted to three. For ten minutes, we threw all of the pencils we could find back at him, cheering and just laughing while Griggs recited the whole list of books we had read over the semester. It was like a scene out of a movie!! Hehe, I still laugh when I think about it. :)

3. Finals are coming up, my first one is Friday morning, but for some reason, I am not worried. I have tons of studying to do, and of course, I haven't even started, but it's okay. Everything is going to be fine. And yeah.

4. Check out Paul's post "thoughts I had today." I really like it. I really do. :)

It's been snowing for almost four hours now. It's so serene. So beautiful. It's like living in a snow globe. Earlier this afternoon I was reading some Rousseau for my history class, and I decided to curl up on my bed by my window. That way I could divide my attention between the snow and Rousseau's Discourses. Michelle walked in about an hour into my reading and goes, "Wow...that looks like a picture or something. You reading in the window...while it's snowing...yeah..."

I am getting over whatever sickness I had for the past couple of days: it was this terrible headache, everything hurt, and I just wanted to sleep. I think I caught the bug my familia had when I was home for Thanksgiving; the game last Saturday and the parade on Sunday probably only made things worse. Yuck. Indeed.

Some thoughts before I return to my readings:

1. Going a whole day without wearing any make up at all is purifying. I don't know if it was because I was sick or what, but I didn't even bother with make up yesterday. That may not sound like a huge deal, but for me it's a substantial event. Usually I am insistent on putting make up on before going out and dealing with the world. The only exceptions have been rotc activities, because well, it just isn't appropriate. :)

2. Recently I've been getting into Ani Difranco's music. And all I have to say is: oh my goodness, do I feel stupid! I can't believe I hadn't heard any of her music before now. It seems the more I download the more I have to download because I just love listening to it. There is something comforting in allowing oneself to be thoroughly consumed in music, feeling it run through her veins, and losing her heartbeat amongst the rhythms.

Some reflections:

1. What is it about men in kilts? They always have sailors' calves and broad shoulders. And damn are they sexy! :)

2. BC feels more like my home than the collective Alpharetta. I was running errands for my mom the day before Thanksgiving, and it was all so weird. It felt like I was walking through a life-size scrap book of days gone by. Every corner reminded me of something, of how I used to be. I was grateful to get home, so I could be around relevant faces.

3. This past Saturday was our last regular game, and I am happy to say the BCMB is my band now. This time last year, I was still torn between the Milton band and the BCMB. It's only natural after one spends so much time in an organization. I'm letting go of Milton, and of all the people I knew there. I still want to see everyone from high school when I'm home, and I'll write letters and read blogs, but it isn't the same. It can't be. In a way it's sad, because part of me is dying. Yet, in it's place, there are new experiences and new people. And that is as it should be.

Some reflections:

1. What is it about men in kilts? These men always have sailors' calves and broad shoulders. And damn are they sexy! :)

2. BC feels more like my home than the collective Alpharetta. I was running errands for my mom the day before Thanksgiving, and it was all so weird. It felt like I was walking through a life-size scrap book of days gone by. Every corner reminded me of something, of how I used to be. I was grateful to get home, so I could be around relevant faces.

3. This past Saturday was our last regular game, and I am happy to say the BCMB is my band now. This time last year, I was still torn between the Milton band and the BCMB--it's only natural after one spends so much time in an organization. I'm letting go of Milton: of all the people I knew there. I still want to see everyone from high school when I'm home, and I'll write letters and read blogs, but it isn't the same. It can't be. In a way it's sad, because part of me is dying. Yet, in it's place, there are new experiences, new people, and new relationships. And that is as it should be.

Some reflections:

1. What is it about men in kilts? They always have sailors' calves and broad shoulders. And damn are they sexy! :)

2. BC feels more like my home than the collective Alpharetta. I was running errands for my mom the day before Thanksgiving, and it was all so weird. It felt like I was walking through a life-size scrap book of days gone by. Every corner reminded me of something, of how I used to be. I was grateful to get home, to be around relevant faces.

3. This past Saturday was our last regular game, and I am happy to say the BCMB is my band now. This time last year, I was still torn between the Milton band and the BCMB. It's only natural after one spends so much time in an organization. I'm letting go of Milton, and of all the people I knew there. I still want to see everyone from high school when I'm home, and I'll write letters and read blogs, but it isn't the same. It can't be. In a way it's sad, because part of me is dying. Yet, in it's place, there are new experiences and new people. And that is as it should be.