salience

It's one of those feverish days. I'm disoriented, time is passing too quickly, and I can't figure out exactly what I'm doing wrong. All I know is that I'm not doing much of anything right. At the end of the day, I need to be able to rely on me. In the words of Jill Scott, "There's just me, one is the magic number." As great as my friends are, they can't quiet this unrest in my heart. Maybe the little boy Sam in Love Actually was right. There is nothing quite like the totally agony of being in love.

The foundation of any relationship is communication. If two people do not speak to one another, fill the other in on what is going on, especially the details, how can they possibly function in this thing? How is not speaking healthy? How is it okay? Alex's Dad said in passing while we were in Florida two weeks ago, that the biggest danger in long distance relationships is living completely separate lives. And he should know, having traveled so often for work, and being away from his family as much as he has in his lifetime. With Alex, that is my biggest fear. Not that I won't include him in any minute detail he cares to know about my life here in New York, clearly I am ready to tell him anything and everything. No, I fear that I will be excluded from his. I fear being replaceable.

I'm not sure what exactly happened, but suddenly I'm back from vacationing with Alex's family, he's back at school for his final quarter at Northwestern, and I'm the only one calling and emailing. Alex doesn't pick up the phone or respond to my emails. And yes, I understand a new quarter means a new schedule, but how can I possibly know what that schedule is? I am not telepathic. And besides, my schedule hasn't changed, he knows where I am and when. How hard can it be to pick up the phone and give me a call to let me know he's okay while he's walking to class? Last quarter he was swamped, teaching at two schools while in school himself. Yet he still would call just to say hi. And it was nice, like I could see him at least once during the day by hearing his voice. This quarter was supposed to be easier, so I really just don't get what the problem could be.

True, he's called me once this past week. But that was only because he wanted me to proofread something. Nevermind that it was during the busiest week of the month at work, which I thought he knew. But maybe not? I love being busy, but I can't just drop everything on short notice, it will take me some time to turn things around and get back to him when I have so much on my plate. Instead it was a, "don't worry about it, I'll just go on and send it anyway, talk to you later, bye."

And as is typical, everything happened at once and I was also completely blindsided emotionally this week as well. I can't predict what will happen in my life and I try to remember Einstein's words as often as possible, "Why worry about the future? It will be here soon enough." And I also try not to compare our situations: my calling him and traveling to be with him when he was down. Now I'm the one who's down and I don't even warrant so much as a text message, only an IM saying he should be there more for me during this time. And hell yeah, what an idea! I agree!

Why now? We have two months and change until he graduates. You'd think we'd been through the worst of this long distance slump by now, right? I sure thought so, especially after the trip with his family, but apparently I counted my chickens too soon.

I remember those final months at BC before graduation. The stress of getting a job and finding a place to live. And then there were the constant reminders to live it up with your peers while you can, it will all be over soon. But life does not end when he graduates in June, and maybe that hasn't really sunk in yet for him. This will not be the only transition left that he will have to face in his life. There will never be one moment when everything will be done, he will have nothing left to do and life will just click and run on autopilot. That is not how it works. Each day is a part of the evolution of who you are, what those you surround yourself with mean to you, and what you are making of your life.

So I guess I'll just keep cutting him slack, 'cause it's like Ani Difranco says, "We never see things changing, we only see them ending." Maybe I should just get over it? Rely on my other friends during this difficult time for me? He is my best friend, in his sisters' words, "my partner." What is the best reaction? No reaction? Silence? Hurt? Rage? He's committed to a teaching program in New York, fine. But he's still looking at other possibilities. He's making the sacrifice to move back to the east coast. Is it okay to just put me on the back burner then? Is that justified? Especially right now, when I really could use his support most?

I have to face the possibility that he may not want me involved in his life right now. I'm not saying that is definitely the case, but it could be. My support might have been replaced by someone close by, someone in the same time zone, someone who's schedule and place in life more closely resembles his. Maybe he was calling me daily last quarter because there was no one else his age around to talk to while he was at work? Who knows? He's going to have to talk to me first for me to ever find out for sure.

Well I'm "work" to him right now, as tough as that is to say. Too much effort when he's busy elsewhere. But a little voice in the back of my mind keeps whispering, "Haven't we been through this exact situation before? When you needed him most, he was nowhere to be found?" Yeah maybe, maybe I have.

The thing about interns is, I remember being one. Many times. GE, BC Oranizational Behavior, Ascend, Watermill. And then all of the afternoons with el papa at his offices. Back before he had to return to work for someone else, before the divorce. And I remember watching the workings of each business with wide eyes and being annoyed that I had very little impact on the daily operations of a financial machine. I'd get antsy, ready to be more than an intern, a student, and working.

(There isn't much that gives me more satisfaction than going to work every morning and working all day in an environment I truly admire. I've always wanted a career, and now, I have one. Unlike around this time at Offit Hall, the honeymoon of a new job has yet to wear off. I'm almost at 5 months yall, can you believe it? That long already?)

Here on the other side, it's an interesting perspective. Age is no longer a factor to me, much like race has always been a nonissue. But age, I think, can be more intimidating. My boss for example, is ten years my superior, yet we have much in common. Conversation is easy for us, and it's something I feel so lucky to have. We've both worked in extreme high pressure environments, worked for unappreciative, Jewish family offices, come from loud, Catholic families and like to cook and work out. But if you had told me at 19 that someday I'd be cool with someone who's a 30 something, I would have said yeah right. But then the same could be said for my closest friends in nyc - they are 27, 28. And then there's in the infamous Jeff, whom I consider a brother, and he's 31 almost 32. They tell me I'm an old soul, call me "Sarge". It really comes down to respect, how much you can handle, and how you perform under pressure. Age really has nothing to do with maturity, in the end. But I guess at 19, you aren't honestly reflecting on what responsibility, maturity means.

People aren't their characterstics to me, a laundry list of biography facts I rattle off to myself as they walk by. The transition from "people who work here, around me" to "my coworkers" has been a gradual consciousness. It may be maturity, experience, adjustment, but it's hard not to laugh when I see the face of an intern trying to gauge where he stands within the sea of a single office of an international conglomerate. I remember. Acceptance, involvement, responsibility. It's an odd thing to think I am seen now as an experienced, young professional. Not because it's not true, but because I don't see myself that way. I see myself as the tarot card reader in Florida sees me: a seeker, someone who is searching for her own identity, someone who has many different facets she is trying to balance: creative dreamer vs. practical worry wort.

What would an intern think of me?

Almost 24, taking the CFA soon, licensed stockbroker, certified bartender, musician, bilingual, lived everywhere, has no real accent when speaking english, comes from a big family... These are all things I've explained to an intern's many questions, attempts to cure his boredom. In the middle of all these thoughts, he said something that took my breath away. In answering my coworkers moans of CFA studying this weekend, and how behind she is, he said, "Please, you have to remember, Maria has a boyfriend who lives halfway across the country and she lives alone with her cat... Of course she's going to be farther ahead in her studying than you."

Well, hell.

He's right, isn't he? I am a cat lady.

'Cause all I am is who I am at the office, right?

He can't comprehend yet that I am so proud of living on my own, of not needing a roommate to make the rent. He hasn't seen where I've lived or that this has been a dream of mine since I was a little girl, living in a run down house in Copperas Cove, Texas. He also doesn't know that I picked out Sphinx in a Woodbridge, VA pet store when I was 13, that I paid $250 of my dilligently saved money for him. Sphinx represents to me, everything I've gone through up to this point in my life. That I can survive anything, and that always, tomorrow will come.

Oh man, does he have a lot to learn.

No single reason why I haven't written in so long yall, apologies. Lots of family things going on and personal things going on and the creative side of my brain has tuned out under all of this stress I really just want to throw out my 12th story apartment window. It'd be work to gather it all up with just two hands, but you can't imagine how satisfying that large thud would be.

It's officially primavera, only you wouldn't know it in New England. Sure, it looks beautiful out, but it's still rather brisk. Sometimes I do question my choice of climate, actually more than sometimes I'd say.

It seems like all of my friends here are moving to Astoria, NY in Queens. It's just over the bridge from me actually. I found out my rent in this building on Roosevelt Island will be increasing 17.8% next year, officially marking my studio out of my price range. I may be following suit to Astoria, or to New Jersey (as depressing as that is, 'cause who likes New Jersey?).

Work is going well and I am taking the CFA Level I on 2 June. I'd say I'm about 70% done with my studying (right on schedule). The material is all basic finance and economics, but the volume is rather daunting - think Series 7 exam x 40.

My foot/leg condition has been improving ever so slowly. Those nerves, they just don't want to untangle for some reason. It's like Happy Noodle Boy says, "These hands, I just can't get them off my wrists!"

Alex got a job with a teaching program in NYC!! I still can't quite believe it. This long distance thing has been going on for what seems like forever now - it's hard to comprehend what life will be like when we're living in the same state again, much less the same metro area, possibly even the same zip code, if he finds out what borough he's teaching in before I have to move.

I just got back from vacationing with Alex's familia in Orlando. It's been almost two years since we were all last there (only two months for Alex and I who were there for New Years with my familia). I hadn't seen his sisters Nina and Cornelia since our graduation from BC, or his parents since I went to Vegas last March. It was good to catch up, and we did so much: MGM, Universal, Islands of Adventure, Epcot and comida! My did we eat, and eat, and eat. I loved every minute of it. :) The weather was alright, a little rainy and not as warm as I'd hoped, but still worlds better than NYC. Here are some of my favorite pictures from the trip:

At MGM, Alex and the Hero Stunt Driver, Curtis, who used to work under Marty (a Hyatt friend of Cornelia's who was with us), not only got us VIP seats for the stunt show, but took us backstage afterwards to give us the VIP tour.

At Universal, Alex posing with the penguins from Madagascar.

At MGM, at the diner we refer to as Ma's. All patrons are treated like children, and the waitstaff are either Ma or Uncle. This is our Uncle Tim feeding Nina the last of her lunch while making airplane noises.

Uncle Tim plugging Mrs. Jung's nose and acting as though he was about to stuff half of her sandwich into her mouth. We each had nicknames: Mr. Jung as Sparky, Alex as Scooter, Cornelia as Sunshine, Nina as Angel and myself as Princess. He asked me who I went to to get my ears pierced and why didn't they get it right the first time? (I have seven piercings in my right ear.) Alex was sent to the bathroom to wash his hands after not being able to tell Uncle Tim what color the soap was (blue) and Mr. Jung was sent after not being able to say which side of the sink the hot water was on (automatic faucet).

Hiding from the rain at MGM, Cornelia posing in her light up ears.

The Jungs are a close, blended family who want to have a good time. My last dinner there was at Cafe Tu Tu Tango, which is a really cool place. Artists work around you and all they serve are tapas/appetizers. The one we went to, all of the kids got our tarot cards read while Flamenco dancers performed around us. Supposedly I am a seeker who is striving to find a balance between practicality and my creative side; I am working to create an identity for myself within the traditions I was raised in; I will be very close with a woman in my life in the next six months; I will rely upon the presence of a male relative very strongly; and I need to believe in myself more strongly to achieve the dreams I long to fulfill. I can see all of that being true, plus there was something about my love life and needing to feel more attractive. It made me very pensive, especially since this woman only knew my face and nothing else. Tarot cards always bring back so many memories.

We also played many games around the dining room table in the condo after dinners, and it's amazing to me that I have recurring jokes with Alex's parents already. Even though I do still get nervous right before seeing them again, once I'm there it all evens out. I may even be going to Tanglewood this summer while Nina works the BSO season out there. Until then, I will see them when Alex graduates from Northwestern in June. In thanking the Jungs for a great time, I sent them a card saying they are what I think family should feel like. Nina and Cornelia kept saying I'm already half way a part of the family, and it's so comforting to have a model of what family life should be like in my life. It's not that I've lost all faith in marriage after my parents' ugly divorce, or that I think my family is still a disaster. We are recuperating and dealing with the stresses in our own ways, still very close. But more than anything, I see that you can never depend upon the future. There is a cautious hesitance echoing in the back of my mind I can't shake. I never really dreamed of a fairy tale wedding or a happy ending when I was little, it just wasn't my thing. And now, more than ever, I realize nothing ever just is, it's all a result of acceptance, hard work and dedication.

Kelly Kapowski called me tonight and it was great hearing from her. I haven't seen her since before Christmas when Peter (an old high school friend) was visiting, and I haven't seen Shell or Flora since Halloween. (Flora! I need to email you, tell me all about Scotland! Come visit before I lose my swank apartment!) I need another BC reunion, definitely. It's hit me that this November will be when I go back to conduct Beethoven for the kids I knew as freshmen when I was a senior at BC. Time is flying, two years almost already?!