salience
March 12, 2003
Ouch, man. Ouch.
It's odd how I never realize how much one person depends on me until, for one reason or another, I am not there at the exact moment she needs me.
I came back to school excited to see my girls, so naturally it slipped my mind to call home as soon as I got my foot in the door of Ronc 221. After many conversations and trips to Dunkin Donuts later, I remembered. I ended up leaving a voicemail message saying I would call Wednesday night, like I always do. No problem, right?
Wrong.
My mom is just now realizing how she considers me her best friend. Before, it had always been, "Yes, this is my oldest daughter. Yes, she's helped me out a lot. Yes, she had to grow up fast." The end. No elaboration.
Now she is seeing I am my own person, an advantage to her and I not living under the same roof. She and I can overlook our petty squabbles when we are not in each other's space, and concentrate on what the other needs, whether it be emotional support or some inside joke from ten years ago. That being said, she was very hurt by my not calling as soon as I got in. Understandably so, I should have remembered.
I guess what it comes down to is, I am disappointed in myself and I feel terrible; my mom is upset that she cannot control me anymore, especially not from 975 miles away.
Tonight, I called as usual. I talked to the twins first, then my brother, who then handed the phone to my mom. She answered really quietly, like she was about to burst into tears, or something. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me she was 'just tired.' That is was 'nothing.'
Yeah..right.
It was then that I realized how much my mom needs me to listen to her, how fragile she is. She is going through a hard time right now, and really needed my support Sunday night, at a scheduled time when she knew she could have my full attention. Except--I let her down. So for the past three days I have added tension to a recent, escalating situation in the office where she works. Her boss is a proud racist, and often makes comments about the faults of 'colored folk,' even if it's just in passing. My mom has repeatedly explained that she is offended by her words, if for no other reason than she is married to a full blood hispanic and has four children by him. Instead of acknowledging her mistakes, this woman has decided to make my mom's work environment a living hell, waiting to see which straw will break the camel's back. Usually, I am the one my mom vents to, as my dad has his own problems and my brother and the twins never give her the time of day. So, her not getting to talk to me did not help.
::sigh::
So tonight's conversation was less than stellar. My mom is still very upset that I blew her off for my friends here at BC, and it was no use explaining that it was not intentional. What it comes down to is, I hate disappointing those whom I love most. I am enveloped by selfish interests all too often and it distracts me from those needing my support.
Even at my most fulfilled moments I remain an incomplete individual.
It's odd how I never realize how much one person depends on me until, for one reason or another, I am not there at the exact moment she needs me.
I came back to school excited to see my girls, so naturally it slipped my mind to call home as soon as I got my foot in the door of Ronc 221. After many conversations and trips to Dunkin Donuts later, I remembered. I ended up leaving a voicemail message saying I would call Wednesday night, like I always do. No problem, right?
Wrong.
My mom is just now realizing how she considers me her best friend. Before, it had always been, "Yes, this is my oldest daughter. Yes, she's helped me out a lot. Yes, she had to grow up fast." The end. No elaboration.
Now she is seeing I am my own person, an advantage to her and I not living under the same roof. She and I can overlook our petty squabbles when we are not in each other's space, and concentrate on what the other needs, whether it be emotional support or some inside joke from ten years ago. That being said, she was very hurt by my not calling as soon as I got in. Understandably so, I should have remembered.
I guess what it comes down to is, I am disappointed in myself and I feel terrible; my mom is upset that she cannot control me anymore, especially not from 975 miles away.
Tonight, I called as usual. I talked to the twins first, then my brother, who then handed the phone to my mom. She answered really quietly, like she was about to burst into tears, or something. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me she was 'just tired.' That is was 'nothing.'
Yeah..right.
It was then that I realized how much my mom needs me to listen to her, how fragile she is. She is going through a hard time right now, and really needed my support Sunday night, at a scheduled time when she knew she could have my full attention. Except--I let her down. So for the past three days I have added tension to a recent, escalating situation in the office where she works. Her boss is a proud racist, and often makes comments about the faults of 'colored folk,' even if it's just in passing. My mom has repeatedly explained that she is offended by her words, if for no other reason than she is married to a full blood hispanic and has four children by him. Instead of acknowledging her mistakes, this woman has decided to make my mom's work environment a living hell, waiting to see which straw will break the camel's back. Usually, I am the one my mom vents to, as my dad has his own problems and my brother and the twins never give her the time of day. So, her not getting to talk to me did not help.
::sigh::
So tonight's conversation was less than stellar. My mom is still very upset that I blew her off for my friends here at BC, and it was no use explaining that it was not intentional. What it comes down to is, I hate disappointing those whom I love most. I am enveloped by selfish interests all too often and it distracts me from those needing my support.
Even at my most fulfilled moments I remain an incomplete individual.
lasaliente, 23:16
