salience
May 16, 2003
I have opened the flood gates, typing as my mind ranted--you have been forewarned:
I've been really stressing lately. About what, you ask? Mainly, going home. It's not as simple as me worrying about how I'm going to get everything back to GA: what to pack in my suitcases vs what to send home (but the campus post office doesn't open again til Monday--so behind the power curve!!). I really do not want to face my parents. My mom is depressed because she was laid off yet again; my dad is pulling his hair out looking for work and making up for the salary my mom will no longer have. And here I am, in Boston, doing nothing much, so of course I'm an easy target to unleash their fury to when I call every wednesday and sunday nights. And I understand that I am just a student with no real responsibility. Why is my gpa not a 4.0? Good question. I could say I am involved in four music groups, or distracted by my awesome friends, or busy at the gym.
But we all know you only have the time that you make--and focus is all about perception.
I was talking about this with Flora and Michelle tonight after we went down to the Common to see the second Matrix movie...it's almost as if I am caught in between the two extremes of my parents. My mom sees no reason for me to be majoring in business: she never fails to bring up the fact that it is a man's world, that the majority of my professors and contacts are male, that in reality I have to play two games--those of competence and sexual appeal. So why even try? Because money is very necessary. I've lived both the coupon-cutting-penny-scrimping and casual-spending lives and I prefer the latter, thank you. My dad is all about my majoring in business and getting the most out of the system, but he thinks I have an advantage being female--that men will have lower standards for girls. And maybe they do, and maybe I have lost my academic focus, which is not a good thing, for sure. And yes, he is right--I have no responsibility. I am not in Boston to make awesome friends or to become a better musician. I am here to get a business degree so I can help my family, and myself, out. Lately I am getting the message that if I do not graduate with honors I will be on the shit list. I mean, it's not anything new--the parentals were like this in high school. And then they were happy for a time, with me getting accepted to BC. But the cycle is in full swing yet again. Last year my grades were perfect, only one B for the entire year. But that was freshman year, with easy ass classes. I wasn't even taking anything related to CSOM or business, just core crap I had to get out of the way. Now, I'm taking classes for my major, and fuck! It's hard. Hard. Ass. Shit. Fascinating shit though. I also have a real problem with taking exams. I freak out completely and it's as though I've never been to a single class (when I go to every single one) or read any of the material (when I read it all). So my grades are not perfect. And I am a failure in my dad's eyes. I think that is what gets to me the most, not living up to his standards. First, I tell him his choice of lifestyle is my hell, with quitting rotc, even though he doesn't know I could not mentally hack it, and hopefully he never will know I am following my mother's footsteps; then I tell him his money isn't good enough for me and should be used elsewhere by my taking out loans; and now I am telling him I can't ace classes that are removed from the real world.
So where do I go from here? This summer I have to deal with my incredibly depressed mother, who will remind me how I do not deserve to have a steady, paid, 8am-6pm internship with an international company when I am 19--how she deserves a job and I should be the one staying home with the girls. I will also have to convince my father that he did not fail as a parent and that I will not continue to embarrass him with my scholastic imperfection. And then the cycle will commence, for the third time--the second, real go-around with the private, collegiate system. Let's hope I confront insanity and break the habit: repeating my routine will not produce the desired results. I have to change. Things have to change.
I've been really stressing lately. About what, you ask? Mainly, going home. It's not as simple as me worrying about how I'm going to get everything back to GA: what to pack in my suitcases vs what to send home (but the campus post office doesn't open again til Monday--so behind the power curve!!). I really do not want to face my parents. My mom is depressed because she was laid off yet again; my dad is pulling his hair out looking for work and making up for the salary my mom will no longer have. And here I am, in Boston, doing nothing much, so of course I'm an easy target to unleash their fury to when I call every wednesday and sunday nights. And I understand that I am just a student with no real responsibility. Why is my gpa not a 4.0? Good question. I could say I am involved in four music groups, or distracted by my awesome friends, or busy at the gym.
But we all know you only have the time that you make--and focus is all about perception.
I was talking about this with Flora and Michelle tonight after we went down to the Common to see the second Matrix movie...it's almost as if I am caught in between the two extremes of my parents. My mom sees no reason for me to be majoring in business: she never fails to bring up the fact that it is a man's world, that the majority of my professors and contacts are male, that in reality I have to play two games--those of competence and sexual appeal. So why even try? Because money is very necessary. I've lived both the coupon-cutting-penny-scrimping and casual-spending lives and I prefer the latter, thank you. My dad is all about my majoring in business and getting the most out of the system, but he thinks I have an advantage being female--that men will have lower standards for girls. And maybe they do, and maybe I have lost my academic focus, which is not a good thing, for sure. And yes, he is right--I have no responsibility. I am not in Boston to make awesome friends or to become a better musician. I am here to get a business degree so I can help my family, and myself, out. Lately I am getting the message that if I do not graduate with honors I will be on the shit list. I mean, it's not anything new--the parentals were like this in high school. And then they were happy for a time, with me getting accepted to BC. But the cycle is in full swing yet again. Last year my grades were perfect, only one B for the entire year. But that was freshman year, with easy ass classes. I wasn't even taking anything related to CSOM or business, just core crap I had to get out of the way. Now, I'm taking classes for my major, and fuck! It's hard. Hard. Ass. Shit. Fascinating shit though. I also have a real problem with taking exams. I freak out completely and it's as though I've never been to a single class (when I go to every single one) or read any of the material (when I read it all). So my grades are not perfect. And I am a failure in my dad's eyes. I think that is what gets to me the most, not living up to his standards. First, I tell him his choice of lifestyle is my hell, with quitting rotc, even though he doesn't know I could not mentally hack it, and hopefully he never will know I am following my mother's footsteps; then I tell him his money isn't good enough for me and should be used elsewhere by my taking out loans; and now I am telling him I can't ace classes that are removed from the real world.
So where do I go from here? This summer I have to deal with my incredibly depressed mother, who will remind me how I do not deserve to have a steady, paid, 8am-6pm internship with an international company when I am 19--how she deserves a job and I should be the one staying home with the girls. I will also have to convince my father that he did not fail as a parent and that I will not continue to embarrass him with my scholastic imperfection. And then the cycle will commence, for the third time--the second, real go-around with the private, collegiate system. Let's hope I confront insanity and break the habit: repeating my routine will not produce the desired results. I have to change. Things have to change.
lasaliente, 22:52
