salience

It's easier to breathe now, now that I've let go. I don't know why, but I always revert back to needing control over a situation whenever things start going downhill. I think, well maybe this is the worst it can be right now, even though I know things can always get worse. And they usually do. Yet I always try and find ways to prevent the decline, to keep it all from disintegrating. But the tide always comes in to shore, and no matter how frantically I panic, nothing can keep my blood, tears and emotion from being washed away clean from the sand.

And here I am, is what I have been focusing on lately. It's all happening, regardless of who I am and what I did four months ago. All I have is Now, all I can affect is Here.

Ever since Aleksandra told me I was a threat to the program I dreamed of winning for so long, that third in the state wasn't good enough, that I wasn't good enough, that my family situation could not be overlooked, I couldn't get past the questions. What do you mean?? How can you not even give me the chance to prove myself?? Will you really take my life, my heart, all of my hard work from me?? Why now?? What do I have to hold onto, to affect, to impact without this job??

The answer is me, of course. I will always have myself. No matter where I am, I have myself and my memories and my ideas.

I'm completely moved into my apartment, all set up and re-configured. It's taking some getting used to, new furniture, old furniture in different uses, new people. But it helps, to have a home that is completely mine again.

And lately I've been thinking that this is all fate. And I do want time to think some things through. Up til now I've been pretty bored and unenthused in my business classes. I remain a Finance major, but nothing sparks my interest. Sure, I can play robot and end up with a great-paying, mundane job. And I'll be "successful" but not happy. And do I really want that??

Last summer at GE really opened my eyes. I thought, wow, I'll have a high profile job and it'll be such a wonderful experience. And it was, but only in showing me exactly the type of job I do not want in a year. Bound to a cubicle in a 65 degree office, doing nothing of consequence. Yuck. I value myself more than that.

The CWP thing was a chance to do everything on my own. And I did, for a time. It was only for four months, a long time with no real, satisfying sleep. The stress was insane. I have never had so many gray and white patches of hair in my life. There are so many things that go into making any business run. So many demands you have to assume and meet to even think about playing the game. But now I know. I can appreciate what el papa goes through every day. No one looks out for you, or even cares. You have to believe in yourself and take care of yourself because no one else will. People always criticize business as blood thirsty and brash. And it is cutthroat. But when you are trying to establish yourself, especially when so many are trying to do the same and often have better resources and connections than you do, it can't be avoided. It's the game. You can't have the safe businesses and professions without the risky ones. After all, every business and corporation and institution started as a man's dream--it took his hard work and persistence to make it into a reality. He brought his dream into existence. You have to respect that.

And yet I'm glad to be rid of it. I sleep now. I rest. I breathe. I think. It's cleansing. Health wise, I know I'm in a better place now.

So I'm looking for work in Boston. Luckily I have many resources through BC, so I'm sure I'll find at least one job within the week. All of this back and forth traveling makes putting something together difficult, but my life has always been a sort of puzzle. It's the way I operate.

I've decided to go back to my goals of three years ago. I had just turned 18, and Boston was a new and shiny place in my mind. I realize now that I've lost sight of that mystique. And this year is my final in Beantown. There are so many things I still want to do and try. So many opportunities I haven't utilized yet. I've always wanted to go read in the MIT Sloan and Harvard Business libraries. They are right across the river, but I've never gotten around to it. You see, the Carroll professors all have had time at either or both schools--it's funny how that works. It's like there's a teaching cycle here, we're all different schools, but we share an identity.

Yesterday I was spending a few hours in the laundromat because: one, I love getting all of my wash done at once; two, I love reading to the sound of washers and dryers and three, everyone is always in such a jovial mood because we'll all have clean clothes when we say goodbye. There's a collective refreshment and eager anticipation in these places, a sense of possibility and realization. And I was reading over some things I re-checked out of O'Neill. They're books Florita was reading for her Honors classes, and there's one called Wall Street People.

Yes, I am a nerd. And no, I just re-read the entire LOTR trilogy, in preparation for my Tolkien class next semester thank you, so I was in need of something new to peruse.

Anyways, I've always thought it would be cool to work on Wall Street. (Although, after driving Flora down to Manhattan for her SEO deal, Third avenue and Lexington to be exact, I can honestly say I'll never drive in NYC again.) The only thing that deters me from applying to be a floor runner for Chase or Morgan Stanley is I don't like the drama. After all of my study at BC I'm confident about two things: people make money because they are decisive and patient and that everyone operates on the same information. There is no "in" to business, everyone knows what everone else knows. The three second delay between when we find out and when the CEOs find out does not affect our bottom line earnings. It's the lax time between receiving, interpreting and deciding that makes a difference. But back to this book.

It's all profiles of different Wall Street People. (Ha, fancy that, there's no trick to the title.) I've always been into what makes people think what they do and react how they do. Kind of psychology, but I hate how science students have to be walking encyclopedias. I'm more into observation and people watching myself. And then it hit me. Right in the middle of my last dry cycle by machine number nine: investments. The psychology of money and how and where peole spend it. That's what I want to do. And it was so comforting, to find a niche where I was genuinely excited about business. Like I was so long ago, something I had forgotten for a number of years now.

Where I am right now is a blessing. I can think and reflect. And maybe the answer is not to find another internship for the summer. After all, I've already worked one. Maybe I should just use this time to research my ideas. Redefine my dreams. Figure out exactly what I want to get done in this next year and where I want to be after graduation. If I have my goals defined early on, I can act earlier and more directly. It's confidence and self-assurance. Yeah...