salience

From what my babies tell me, everything is stagnant at home. Rotting and tense, they want the detorioration complete and the drama ended. This truly has been a summer of discontent.

And I have no drive anymore. I was tempted to just stay outside in the pouring, new england rain this morning. At work, but not working. Just absorbing, spending time with the elements.

It's all so misleading. Ascend is great. Genius people, tactic, initiative, focus. It's no wonder this company is as successful as it is. But is this what I want to do?? Stare at a computer screen and manipulate excel and telemarket and mass mail and record?? It's all necessary, intangible assignments, but it's not work. There is no physical result, I do not leave Waltham, MA every evening with a tired body and dirty hands. I sit in an air conditioned office all day, with access to as much free, filtered water as I want. And yet, in the grand scheme of society, this position I hold, sales and marketing support, is worth more monetarily than any manual labor. A simplicity is lost when your tasks are cerebral, but a respect is gained. The work process itself is the result, the ideas and approaches are what they're paying you for.

I'm anxious for school to start (I miss all my girls!!) and yet I don't want the end to begin. I don't know what I want to do with my life next. And now's the time when you select a start and it's all I can do to just not walk away. Far, far away, and be me somewhere else.

I want to continue school, later on in the future, but I want to work first. Enough with the loans, I want to make and repay already. But where?? The spark has been new york city. My mind says, find a job "downtown," get a cheap place in the upscale, white sector of the racial rainbow that is Manhattan. Put yourself where you'll have all the opportunities to do what you've always dreamed of doing at this point in your life. Save money, spend money. Do the bohemian, cultured, out there and loving it thing. Acquire and plan.

And money is fascinating. Finance is indeed a branch of economics, and while it's unavoidable, it is not a passion. But money is thick here, and with the right goals, I can repay and set aside, while setting up what I really want to do. And so you say, well what is it you want to do??

In truth, the response is, I have no idea what the exact definitions are. But I don't want to be stuck in a cube forever. I don't want to be underneath some tired boss who's wired so tight he's almost to his breaking point. I'll watch, but I want to be across the street, or even in the neighboring zip code. I want to affect, locally. I want to be happy with who I am, who I know, and where I'm going.

I want to continue studying music. Or start, rather. I haven't taken serious lessons in almost four years, which is a long time when you've only been playing clarinet for ten years. I want to learn piano, I want to own a piano. I want to learn cello. I want to play either clarinet or cello (or both) in an orchestra(s?). I want to continue studying conducting. I want to teach. (Maybe. Math?? Spanish?? Music?? I don't want to babysit other people's spoiled children, there's a fine line...) I want to write. I want to be published. I want to learn Russian. I want to go to Russia. I want to get married. I want a family.

But to contiue my education (plan is to get masters in business before I do anything music wise, who knows where/how it could and will help me down the road), I need money. It all comes back to money. It doesn't buy happiness, nothing can ensure that. But it does provide security and stability. And that's what I need to do everything I want to do.

And maybe I'll have a Manhattan address next year. Maybe I'll still be in MA, even somewhere along the west coast. South, midwest, across the pond, who knows. And I don't want to stress over it anymore.

Preparation for phase two starts today.