salience
June 26, 2005
Insecurity: n. subject to danger or injury, vulnerable.
How often are we truly insecure in our lives?? Unless we refer to our sangre serving in the military, or in any of the armed forces, I can't really name a quick, knee-jerk automatic impulse.
Yet we are plagued by uncertainty which often quickly melts into anxiety. We psych ourselves so far past self-doubt that we leave any reality behind, choosing a nightmare we create as we go. We isolate ourselves in horror because it's safer and more predictable than taking a chance. With our eyes closed, we know there will be a criminal, assault-ready in that back alley when witching hour creeps in. But in the daylight??
I'm set up and world-ready here in Nueva York. There is a wariness in my steps living on the Queens border, but this place is like so many I've lived in before. The more places you live in, the more you come to realize that people are generally genuine and eager to please wherever you go. They are merely waiting for you to ask. I'm six miles from the beach, 11 from work, and 32-45 depending on which airport we're talking about. I can be at Battery Park in forty five minutes.
In the past week, I've watched a class of twenty-nine twenty-two year olds with wide, money-hungry eyes dwindle to a class of nineteen. We've already knocked on our dreams' speak easy door; now we're learning the passwords those eyes at the slot will silently ask before letting us in. And don't think being the only chica implies special treatment: each day is a blind-siding brick punch to the solar plexus we could have done without, but we know we can take it. After all, there really isn't much of a choice at this point, is there??
It very much reminds me of William Gibson's book Neuromancer, what we do each day. As all us finance nerds love to recall, no market exists unless you make it. The brokerage industry is all a bunch of kids playing monopoly, waiting to create a market, and then collect as we pass go when the time is right. But there are so very many game pieces to choose from, and even when you find one you like, learning all of the spots and cards on the board is overwhelming: each piece has a different board, yet all pieces play simultaneously in the same progression. As juniors to this business, we're jacking into the system for hours at a time, exploring. Adjusting decimals and learning quick computations so we can travel to the next grid. It's consuming and draining.
But it doesn't exist. Lifetimes are made and lost in an intangible environment. One most people are satisfied to learn very little about. True, the more you know, the easier it is to make mistakes. There is more of a chance of completely messing up and losing something big. But, isn't that the case with any great opportunity?? Either you take it, and suck. But you didn't lose anything, you're where you started. You can take it and kick it clear through next week, and start something wonderful. Or worst of all, you can just let the enormity of chance overwhelm you and do nothing.
People have been telling me they could never commit to learn what I am going to do. It's too much, too complicated, too cerebral. Life isn't worth it, you, you're a young woman and latina at that, why even bother?? No problem, I understand. Everyone has their own thing. But too cerebral?? Not worth it?? See, I guess you could say that the choice itself doesn't really even exist. Not in the tangible sense, really. Yet choice is the cornerstone of existence. No matter where you are and what you do, there is a fork in the road. And I am a minority, in more than one sense. And that can be daunting, if I think about it for more than three seconds. But choice, it's all a reaction to an intention. Once you have a goal, your path is clear. I'm not focused on that would-be assault in the alley at night, cause I'm long gone, at home resting, preparing for another day.
It's astounding, just how much an awareness can decrease vulnerability. Wrong place, wrong time, maybe. The real answer though, is easy: just open your eyes.
How often are we truly insecure in our lives?? Unless we refer to our sangre serving in the military, or in any of the armed forces, I can't really name a quick, knee-jerk automatic impulse.
Yet we are plagued by uncertainty which often quickly melts into anxiety. We psych ourselves so far past self-doubt that we leave any reality behind, choosing a nightmare we create as we go. We isolate ourselves in horror because it's safer and more predictable than taking a chance. With our eyes closed, we know there will be a criminal, assault-ready in that back alley when witching hour creeps in. But in the daylight??
I'm set up and world-ready here in Nueva York. There is a wariness in my steps living on the Queens border, but this place is like so many I've lived in before. The more places you live in, the more you come to realize that people are generally genuine and eager to please wherever you go. They are merely waiting for you to ask. I'm six miles from the beach, 11 from work, and 32-45 depending on which airport we're talking about. I can be at Battery Park in forty five minutes.
In the past week, I've watched a class of twenty-nine twenty-two year olds with wide, money-hungry eyes dwindle to a class of nineteen. We've already knocked on our dreams' speak easy door; now we're learning the passwords those eyes at the slot will silently ask before letting us in. And don't think being the only chica implies special treatment: each day is a blind-siding brick punch to the solar plexus we could have done without, but we know we can take it. After all, there really isn't much of a choice at this point, is there??
It very much reminds me of William Gibson's book Neuromancer, what we do each day. As all us finance nerds love to recall, no market exists unless you make it. The brokerage industry is all a bunch of kids playing monopoly, waiting to create a market, and then collect as we pass go when the time is right. But there are so very many game pieces to choose from, and even when you find one you like, learning all of the spots and cards on the board is overwhelming: each piece has a different board, yet all pieces play simultaneously in the same progression. As juniors to this business, we're jacking into the system for hours at a time, exploring. Adjusting decimals and learning quick computations so we can travel to the next grid. It's consuming and draining.
But it doesn't exist. Lifetimes are made and lost in an intangible environment. One most people are satisfied to learn very little about. True, the more you know, the easier it is to make mistakes. There is more of a chance of completely messing up and losing something big. But, isn't that the case with any great opportunity?? Either you take it, and suck. But you didn't lose anything, you're where you started. You can take it and kick it clear through next week, and start something wonderful. Or worst of all, you can just let the enormity of chance overwhelm you and do nothing.
People have been telling me they could never commit to learn what I am going to do. It's too much, too complicated, too cerebral. Life isn't worth it, you, you're a young woman and latina at that, why even bother?? No problem, I understand. Everyone has their own thing. But too cerebral?? Not worth it?? See, I guess you could say that the choice itself doesn't really even exist. Not in the tangible sense, really. Yet choice is the cornerstone of existence. No matter where you are and what you do, there is a fork in the road. And I am a minority, in more than one sense. And that can be daunting, if I think about it for more than three seconds. But choice, it's all a reaction to an intention. Once you have a goal, your path is clear. I'm not focused on that would-be assault in the alley at night, cause I'm long gone, at home resting, preparing for another day.
It's astounding, just how much an awareness can decrease vulnerability. Wrong place, wrong time, maybe. The real answer though, is easy: just open your eyes.
lasaliente, 00:00
