salience

It reminds me of Damon, what he says. Two years ago, well more than that actually if we count bcmb student leader training after sophomore year I suppose, I heard Alex's music for the first time. I knew nothing of modern music composition: not the expensive computer programs, not the classroom curriculum at bc, nothing. I have never taken music theory. Not out of intent, but it just has never been an academic option for me. So you can understand how someone writing a composition, having it rehearsed and performed and then critiqued can really astound. It is the supreme when it comes to "putting yourself out there," in my eyes. There is nowhere to hide: the notes on a musician's page are the result of countless hours expounding upon a theme a composer heard in his head. Sure, there are modern conveniences allowed to current composers which Mozart, Brahms could never have imagined. But that can be said of any profession today.

No, it is a public honesty. During our hours upon hours of bcmb rehearsals, and preparations for rehearsals, and reflections upon and post-rehearsal rehearsals last fall when I got to know Damon. He is a respected drum corps (guest) clinician and pit tech, among his individual recording projects and being a percussionist in bomb squad, he himself a once corps drum major for the cadets. He would stand on the podium beside me, him and I constantly aware of the delicate balance needed on our not-so-reliable podium, shouting in my ear, giving me directions I had to process while keeping conscious of my pattern window and heights, before hearing what dave was yelling about: sure there was the gossip, but our normal line went something like this:

"Damon, tell me a joke, man. It's rough up here, you know. And I need to laugh."

And he'd whisper during a break in the dr. beat, "I know... Well, imagine you spend hours molding the perfect accompanying lines for a front ensemble for a marching band full of kids you love, and have it reduced night after night to a dumb, obvious progression by someone with no appreciation for musicality in this show. I have no choice but to laugh, because really, what else can I do here, but cut my ideas down to a level that everyone else can grasp??" Is it really a surprise that Damon is not returning to tech another bcmb season?? Especially with all of his other musical responsibilities?? His talent??

Tonight I had a two minute voicemail from el koalito... He is teching a line this summer (including their band camp), his first time ever. He has spent the entire day writing out and reducing his original concepts for a cirque du soleil show for st. ed's kids because, true to what the director of the band said, his charts were too difficult for a music program that struggled even to read music, let alone memorize and actually perform it well. It throws me back to Damon, and to rehearsals for el koalito's senior recital, when his music would have to be drastically altered to suit musicians' abilities. Granted, I was one of many, 'cause there was no way I could hold a fourth octave F sharp right from the edge of a piece. It's true, I am not anywhere near the capabilities of a professional performer. Most at BC aren't due to program constraints. And I did feel guilty, but here, being on the other side of the coin, Damon's words are more poignant now.

Hearing his frustration and disappointment suggests the final line of Beethoven's suicide note, "I shall hear in heaven." I'm absolutely not associating Alex with any certain shutz Mozart self-proclaimations here, but it does settle heavily at the bottom of my heart. It is the fundamental challenge at the core of teaching. For el koalito, para mi, y para otras, music is what we need. It is a disorienting wake up call when you realize very few share in such a need, one we hold up to the light so often as our truth.