salience

It's one of those feverish days. I'm disoriented, time is passing too quickly, and I can't figure out exactly what I'm doing wrong. All I know is that I'm not doing much of anything right. At the end of the day, I need to be able to rely on me. In the words of Jill Scott, "There's just me, one is the magic number." As great as my friends are, they can't quiet this unrest in my heart. Maybe the little boy Sam in Love Actually was right. There is nothing quite like the totally agony of being in love.

The foundation of any relationship is communication. If two people do not speak to one another, fill the other in on what is going on, especially the details, how can they possibly function in this thing? How is not speaking healthy? How is it okay? Alex's Dad said in passing while we were in Florida two weeks ago, that the biggest danger in long distance relationships is living completely separate lives. And he should know, having traveled so often for work, and being away from his family as much as he has in his lifetime. With Alex, that is my biggest fear. Not that I won't include him in any minute detail he cares to know about my life here in New York, clearly I am ready to tell him anything and everything. No, I fear that I will be excluded from his. I fear being replaceable.

I'm not sure what exactly happened, but suddenly I'm back from vacationing with Alex's family, he's back at school for his final quarter at Northwestern, and I'm the only one calling and emailing. Alex doesn't pick up the phone or respond to my emails. And yes, I understand a new quarter means a new schedule, but how can I possibly know what that schedule is? I am not telepathic. And besides, my schedule hasn't changed, he knows where I am and when. How hard can it be to pick up the phone and give me a call to let me know he's okay while he's walking to class? Last quarter he was swamped, teaching at two schools while in school himself. Yet he still would call just to say hi. And it was nice, like I could see him at least once during the day by hearing his voice. This quarter was supposed to be easier, so I really just don't get what the problem could be.

True, he's called me once this past week. But that was only because he wanted me to proofread something. Nevermind that it was during the busiest week of the month at work, which I thought he knew. But maybe not? I love being busy, but I can't just drop everything on short notice, it will take me some time to turn things around and get back to him when I have so much on my plate. Instead it was a, "don't worry about it, I'll just go on and send it anyway, talk to you later, bye."

And as is typical, everything happened at once and I was also completely blindsided emotionally this week as well. I can't predict what will happen in my life and I try to remember Einstein's words as often as possible, "Why worry about the future? It will be here soon enough." And I also try not to compare our situations: my calling him and traveling to be with him when he was down. Now I'm the one who's down and I don't even warrant so much as a text message, only an IM saying he should be there more for me during this time. And hell yeah, what an idea! I agree!

Why now? We have two months and change until he graduates. You'd think we'd been through the worst of this long distance slump by now, right? I sure thought so, especially after the trip with his family, but apparently I counted my chickens too soon.

I remember those final months at BC before graduation. The stress of getting a job and finding a place to live. And then there were the constant reminders to live it up with your peers while you can, it will all be over soon. But life does not end when he graduates in June, and maybe that hasn't really sunk in yet for him. This will not be the only transition left that he will have to face in his life. There will never be one moment when everything will be done, he will have nothing left to do and life will just click and run on autopilot. That is not how it works. Each day is a part of the evolution of who you are, what those you surround yourself with mean to you, and what you are making of your life.

So I guess I'll just keep cutting him slack, 'cause it's like Ani Difranco says, "We never see things changing, we only see them ending." Maybe I should just get over it? Rely on my other friends during this difficult time for me? He is my best friend, in his sisters' words, "my partner." What is the best reaction? No reaction? Silence? Hurt? Rage? He's committed to a teaching program in New York, fine. But he's still looking at other possibilities. He's making the sacrifice to move back to the east coast. Is it okay to just put me on the back burner then? Is that justified? Especially right now, when I really could use his support most?

I have to face the possibility that he may not want me involved in his life right now. I'm not saying that is definitely the case, but it could be. My support might have been replaced by someone close by, someone in the same time zone, someone who's schedule and place in life more closely resembles his. Maybe he was calling me daily last quarter because there was no one else his age around to talk to while he was at work? Who knows? He's going to have to talk to me first for me to ever find out for sure.

Well I'm "work" to him right now, as tough as that is to say. Too much effort when he's busy elsewhere. But a little voice in the back of my mind keeps whispering, "Haven't we been through this exact situation before? When you needed him most, he was nowhere to be found?" Yeah maybe, maybe I have.