salience
February 24, 2008
Really, all of the BCers should hang out more, I don't like this awkward reunion-ness.
I've spent the better part of yesterday and today sleeping off the almost flu going around at work, so here is what I'm referring to up above:
So imagine you spend a great deal of time with a certain group of people a few years ago. You graduate from undergrad and each goes his own way. A few years later, you all end up in the same city. You see them every now and again, but don't make much of an effort. Partly because they make no effort to see you, partly because you feel you've changed too much to enjoy seeing them, and partly because you're just plain scared to see how different it all is now. When you do see them, it's usually because something big has happened, which should be acknowledged: a death, a performance, and so on. You show up, expecting the old dynamics. But it's a little too awkward when they just don't kick in. Roles have changed, we are different things to one another now. And maybe it's petty that I can't get past this awkwardness, but it's like playing dress up again and finding your favorite pair of grown-up shoes are too small for you now. Maybe it wasn't meant to be, maybe this really isn't who I am now. And then again, maybe it's not like this at all and I'm projecting my fears onto everyone else?
Clark had an improv show last night on the lower east side. Alex imed me late last night to say I should go. I wanted to be extra careful now that he and Dove are dating, a girl who was in the BCMB with us, Darcy's ex-roommate (Alex's girlfriend before me), Natalia's ex-roommate (Alex Clark's fiancee). She was out of town for a funeral, which might have been a good thing. Alex and I don't hang out. Clark and I don't hang out. Natalia and I don't hang out. Last night should have been extra awkard. It's true, I don't make an effort. And in my defense, I am not usually around on weekends. At least, I haven't been since everyone got here last fall. I didn't think to make it a priority. Because my instinct is to close people off when something ends. Natalia and Clark were always Alex's friends first in my mind, despite all of the time we spent together. I closed the door to them at the same time I boarded up the door to Alex. It's not healthy, I should be friends with them. I should make an effort. So I said, sure I'll go to Clark's show. I haven't seen him perform really since his first stand up show in Boston years ago. It was late by that point, so I had to drive into Manhattan to make it. Alex wanted to go together, so I headed over to Queens to pick him up.
We had last hung out over Thanksgiving, so it'd been a few months. He had a lot to say about how much I've changed. Which I don't think is true. He remembers me as the girl who just moved here from Boston. But truth be told, that me was three years ago almost now. A lot has happened in three years to me, professionally and otherwise. I don't think I am no longer that sweet girl afraid of driving in the city, a part of me will always be terrified by the sheer volume of people here. The difference is now I am used to it. The walls I put up around myself to make it professionally here have gotten stronger, and they've gone up around him now, which he hasn't really experienced before. But I feel a need to protect myself from him. Four years is a long time, and I don't want history to repeat itself. Not because I think he is a terrible person, but because I didn't like who I was when we were together.
We haven't really established much of a friendship dynamic, and until we do, this is my default.
The moral of the story is I think we should all hang out more, I don't want to have any regrets. The show was mostly hilarious, and hopefully we can all make it to the next show, and I'll have less of the awkwardness to carry around.
To Ryan. I spent last weekend in Charlottesville. Driving down to central Virginia takes me between seven and eight hours now, the majority of that time spent waiting in line to get out of the Bronx, to get out of Northern Jersey, to get out of Central Jersey. He has many friends at UVA from a debating society who are hilarious. Most are moving to Manhattan this coming year, as newly minted lawyers. We had a pretty memorable time, but not without some drama. I don't often experience the girl factor, but Ryan attracts anyone and everyone. He is constantly being admired, both by me and everyone else. It makes me proud to be his girlfriend. But this next part is where we differ: he can't say no to anyone. At heart, he is very sweet natured, and can't readily believe he is being used. Naturally, as the "jaded New Yorker," when I see him being manipulated by little girls in contest with one another, my blood starts to boil. I am territorial by nature, which he encourages. So there were two situations in particular when I just had to bite my tongue. Luckily, Ryan's friends took me under their respective wings to avoid any unnecessary bloodshed.
Aside from being sweet, he does spoil me to no end. I am constantly getting gifts, things I genuinely want and can use. He is very affectionate, and a great communicator. That last bit is very important, as I am a people person who needs to be connected to those around me. He and I text and email all day, at night we often talk a few times. So yes we are about 350 miles apart, yes we only see each other every couple of weeks. But with our busy schedules, and the constant communication, it's almost like those 350 miles aren't really that much at all. In his room he has pictures of me everywhere, when his friends meet me for the first time it's always, "It's so great to meet you, Ryan's talks about you so much." According to Ryan, his family adores me. Plus he's hilarious. The time we've been together so far has flown by. But the thing I admire most about him is his discipline. He knows what he wants, what he wants for himself in the future, and he doesn't let anyone or anything compromise that vision. As difficult as it is for me to understand what being a PhD student means, as I have never been one, I know he works tirelessly for his perfect GPA and his contract work. He will graduate at about the same time are Lorenzo will graduate from Wake Forest. I am so excited for him, he can truly do anything he wants. His possibilities are endless. It might be scary to say, but I can see myself being with him long-term. I see something in him I know in myself. Hello, muse.
I will post my favorite pictures from South America and Vegas soon, folks. Both of the full albums are in my Ofotos account, should you want to browse the entire collections of each.
Hope everyone is doing well. It's hard to believe it is almost March already. I am so happy lately, truly. It's been years since I've honestly been able to say that. And I know Ryan is a big part of that happiness. I've always wanted to take care of someone, to have someone in my life who takes care of me. And for the first time in a long while, I'm happy with where I'm at, with the people I've surrounded myself with. True, I haven't completed too many life goals recently, although touring Machu Picchu was one, but I like to think that just being happy with Now is a strong feat in and of itself.
I've spent the better part of yesterday and today sleeping off the almost flu going around at work, so here is what I'm referring to up above:
So imagine you spend a great deal of time with a certain group of people a few years ago. You graduate from undergrad and each goes his own way. A few years later, you all end up in the same city. You see them every now and again, but don't make much of an effort. Partly because they make no effort to see you, partly because you feel you've changed too much to enjoy seeing them, and partly because you're just plain scared to see how different it all is now. When you do see them, it's usually because something big has happened, which should be acknowledged: a death, a performance, and so on. You show up, expecting the old dynamics. But it's a little too awkward when they just don't kick in. Roles have changed, we are different things to one another now. And maybe it's petty that I can't get past this awkwardness, but it's like playing dress up again and finding your favorite pair of grown-up shoes are too small for you now. Maybe it wasn't meant to be, maybe this really isn't who I am now. And then again, maybe it's not like this at all and I'm projecting my fears onto everyone else?
Clark had an improv show last night on the lower east side. Alex imed me late last night to say I should go. I wanted to be extra careful now that he and Dove are dating, a girl who was in the BCMB with us, Darcy's ex-roommate (Alex's girlfriend before me), Natalia's ex-roommate (Alex Clark's fiancee). She was out of town for a funeral, which might have been a good thing. Alex and I don't hang out. Clark and I don't hang out. Natalia and I don't hang out. Last night should have been extra awkard. It's true, I don't make an effort. And in my defense, I am not usually around on weekends. At least, I haven't been since everyone got here last fall. I didn't think to make it a priority. Because my instinct is to close people off when something ends. Natalia and Clark were always Alex's friends first in my mind, despite all of the time we spent together. I closed the door to them at the same time I boarded up the door to Alex. It's not healthy, I should be friends with them. I should make an effort. So I said, sure I'll go to Clark's show. I haven't seen him perform really since his first stand up show in Boston years ago. It was late by that point, so I had to drive into Manhattan to make it. Alex wanted to go together, so I headed over to Queens to pick him up.
We had last hung out over Thanksgiving, so it'd been a few months. He had a lot to say about how much I've changed. Which I don't think is true. He remembers me as the girl who just moved here from Boston. But truth be told, that me was three years ago almost now. A lot has happened in three years to me, professionally and otherwise. I don't think I am no longer that sweet girl afraid of driving in the city, a part of me will always be terrified by the sheer volume of people here. The difference is now I am used to it. The walls I put up around myself to make it professionally here have gotten stronger, and they've gone up around him now, which he hasn't really experienced before. But I feel a need to protect myself from him. Four years is a long time, and I don't want history to repeat itself. Not because I think he is a terrible person, but because I didn't like who I was when we were together.
We haven't really established much of a friendship dynamic, and until we do, this is my default.
The moral of the story is I think we should all hang out more, I don't want to have any regrets. The show was mostly hilarious, and hopefully we can all make it to the next show, and I'll have less of the awkwardness to carry around.
To Ryan. I spent last weekend in Charlottesville. Driving down to central Virginia takes me between seven and eight hours now, the majority of that time spent waiting in line to get out of the Bronx, to get out of Northern Jersey, to get out of Central Jersey. He has many friends at UVA from a debating society who are hilarious. Most are moving to Manhattan this coming year, as newly minted lawyers. We had a pretty memorable time, but not without some drama. I don't often experience the girl factor, but Ryan attracts anyone and everyone. He is constantly being admired, both by me and everyone else. It makes me proud to be his girlfriend. But this next part is where we differ: he can't say no to anyone. At heart, he is very sweet natured, and can't readily believe he is being used. Naturally, as the "jaded New Yorker," when I see him being manipulated by little girls in contest with one another, my blood starts to boil. I am territorial by nature, which he encourages. So there were two situations in particular when I just had to bite my tongue. Luckily, Ryan's friends took me under their respective wings to avoid any unnecessary bloodshed.
Aside from being sweet, he does spoil me to no end. I am constantly getting gifts, things I genuinely want and can use. He is very affectionate, and a great communicator. That last bit is very important, as I am a people person who needs to be connected to those around me. He and I text and email all day, at night we often talk a few times. So yes we are about 350 miles apart, yes we only see each other every couple of weeks. But with our busy schedules, and the constant communication, it's almost like those 350 miles aren't really that much at all. In his room he has pictures of me everywhere, when his friends meet me for the first time it's always, "It's so great to meet you, Ryan's talks about you so much." According to Ryan, his family adores me. Plus he's hilarious. The time we've been together so far has flown by. But the thing I admire most about him is his discipline. He knows what he wants, what he wants for himself in the future, and he doesn't let anyone or anything compromise that vision. As difficult as it is for me to understand what being a PhD student means, as I have never been one, I know he works tirelessly for his perfect GPA and his contract work. He will graduate at about the same time are Lorenzo will graduate from Wake Forest. I am so excited for him, he can truly do anything he wants. His possibilities are endless. It might be scary to say, but I can see myself being with him long-term. I see something in him I know in myself. Hello, muse.
I will post my favorite pictures from South America and Vegas soon, folks. Both of the full albums are in my Ofotos account, should you want to browse the entire collections of each.
Hope everyone is doing well. It's hard to believe it is almost March already. I am so happy lately, truly. It's been years since I've honestly been able to say that. And I know Ryan is a big part of that happiness. I've always wanted to take care of someone, to have someone in my life who takes care of me. And for the first time in a long while, I'm happy with where I'm at, with the people I've surrounded myself with. True, I haven't completed too many life goals recently, although touring Machu Picchu was one, but I like to think that just being happy with Now is a strong feat in and of itself.
lasaliente, 17:06
